Greetings, readers! All two or three of you! Last time I blogged, I shared it on my Facebook page, thought better of it, deleted it. I have no idea why. Will I do the same with this one? Who knows. I don't even have a title. Or much of a direction.
Well last time I talked about non-resolutions that are sort of resolutions and sort of not. As I said, for me it was more about feeling a little bit better than I have than it is about a new year. However, I do feel like once Christmas is over, I'm always ready for something new. When I taught preschool, I was always excited for our regular schedule to start back up again. Now I feel like I have less direction, less of a routine, so I feel antsy.
Anyway, almost as usual, I was having these lofty thoughts about what I would be doing with my time, newly restructured, once the new year celebrations were over. I say almost as usual, because they haven't been quite as lofty as in years past; no matter how well I look or how much better I am than I was, I am living in a new reality. Sort of. I've known for quite a long time that I have issues that will likely never go away (except when I'm in those periods of plotting how I will make them go away), but my latest health issues are definitely not going to go away. So, with that in mind, I've been thinking and planning or plotting or scheming...
And this week I feel like crud.
I feel the need for a sidenote here - at least two, maybe even three times in the last few weeks, I've had someone (different people on each occasion) tell me that you would never even know that I'm sick or struggle with all the issues that I do. Now, my closest friends and family do know it, because I'm a whiner. But these are people who don't know me so well. I know a lot of people who struggle with illness hate hearing that - and I also know that when people say it, it is not always meant to be kind. Sometimes it seems like a judgement - 'Why can't you just suck it up? You look fine to me!' But I really like it when someone says it to me. I don't think it's a good thing to hide your struggles - it's dishonest, and people can't really know what you need if you don't let them know. And I will admit that sometimes my prideful self puts on a show for people. But when I open up to someone and tell them about my illness, and they say something like that to me, I love it. Because I don't want people to see whiny Robyn. I want them to see joy, because the joy of the Lord is my strength! I don't always succeed in this - especially with my close friends, whom I feel comfortable enough with to let my guard down. I need to remember that a joyful and happy heart is as important to show them as it is anyone else, right? Right!
Okay, back to whiny Robyn. Not really. But seriously, I feel so lousy this week. In fact, I haven't left my house in four days. I've canceled plans with several different people because I just don't feel well enough. Now, after all that exciting (and remember for someone who is sick all the time, exciting might be just accomplishing a boring task or meeting a friend for coffee) planning and thinking about what I will do with my time, it can almost be a letdown. If I let it become that, anyway. I've had times in the past when I get sick and I feel so down in the dumps because all my plans have to change. But through all the hard things and pain in my life, God is really teaching me some things. Sometimes my plans are not His plans. And that's okay. In fact, it is good. I don't know what the reason is, but I don't have to. I can tell you one thing: it is sure humbling. I picture myself getting up in the morning, feeling good, getting ready to go, getting out and doing whatever it is I need (want) to do for the day, content and satisfied because I have accomplished so much. Stuff like that doesn't really happen when you don't go anywhere and have to lay down because you're in too much pain to even sit up. And it can be a disappointment. I want to BE important. I want to DO important things. When is that going to start?!
.....do you ever read Ephesians?
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us. In all wisdom and insight He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him with a view to an administration suitable to the fullness of the times, that is, the summing up of all things in Christ, things in the heavens, and things on the earth. In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will, to the end that we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory. In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation - having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God's own possession, to the praise of His glory. ~~Ephesians 1:3-14 NASB
That. That gives me chills.
But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. ~~Ephesians 1:3-14 NASB
What was I whining about??
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