I gave up on my blog a few months ago, but tonight, I'm feeling the urge to write again. It will likely turn out a sloppy, incoherent mess as usual, but we'll give it a go.
The last time I blogged, I was feeling really cruddy. One of those cruddy cycles that we sickos tend to go through. Since then I've gone through a LOT and my motives for blogging have changed quite a bit, so I don't know how consistently I will write.
Anyway, back toward the end of summer, as I said, I was feeling lousy, and I was having a harder than usual time dealing with it. Normally, I'm pretty stable emotionally, but I just felt rotten and almost unhappy in general. I do not tend toward depression. It's hard to describe how I felt, but I think it felt almost like "seasonal affective disorder" feels - when it's been winter forever and you are desperate in your mind for some sun and spring. Not horribly depressed like some people get but almost like a caged feeling. It was summer and I was getting plenty of sun and outdoorsy stuff, but it's the only similar feeling I can think of. That was the "feeling" side of it, and then physically I was so much more exhausted than usual. (Besides of all of the mess I'm about to write about, I have been diagnosed with chronic migraines, which probably helps explain a little of why I felt so extra bad for a while there!)
So, I had noticed I was having some issues with my vision. I let it go for about 6 weeks and tried treating it myself because I thought it was just symptoms of allergies or something, but when it continued to worsen, I got my eyes checked. Turned out it was a fairly serious issue, but I wasn't too concerned. Treatment should have been pretty straight forward. The hardest part in the beginning was dealing with my own feelings of inadequacy - once again being too ill to do the things I want to do and feel I need to do, having to rely on others for help. Same old stuff. Unfortunately, I had a terrible reaction to the medication I was given, and I was a wreck. I mean, total wreck. I won't go into everything because it would take forever, but basically I was unable to walk without a cane and help, shaking uncontrollably, exhausted beyond belief, etc. And finding out that this could be my new normal. (Once the doctor finally understood the medication was making me worse instead of better, he switched me to a new one and I'm doing MUCH better, though not nearly back to my old self) I was desperately clinging to God and His faithfulness, but struggled with bouts of anger. I've spent my entire adult life fighting with my health, and now this. Really?
Because just before this happened, I was done. I was determined that I was done being sick all the time. I was going to get through my latest cycle of exhaustion and yuck, and things were going to change. Because my self worth comes from my ability to work hard, and that's what I was going to do, because I was tired of looking like a loser. Me me me me me me me me me me. Ugh, disgusting, right? I know.
I didn't actually say any of those things, of course, because they sound stupid and self absorbed, but I now see that the things I was telling myself were pathetic excuses for all the me things going on inside my head.
This is a very condensed version of my story. My friends who are sick to death of hearing about me could tell you that. It's been a months long process, and will continue for probably many more months.
It's nearly the new year, and I am not a person who makes resolutions. I find them to be annoying and frustrating. However, it just so happens that my latest health crisis is stabilizing somewhat right around the new year, so I am thinking about new ways of doing things and making some changes. I think most of these thoughts can apply to anyone.
First, my situation became so much easier once I developed gratitude for it. I have been through a lot in my life. I have been through incredible pain. For me, it is never easy to give thanks in all circumstances. Now, over the years, it has become easier to be thankful, but it is a choice I always have to purposefully make. So when this all started for me, even though I knew immediately that it would be extremely expensive for my family, and getting the medical care I need would be complicated, I thanked God that He was going to take care of it, in whatever way was best. Maybe not my way, but the best way. But as I said, I have had times of being angry, or feeling sorry for myself. Because it's been so hard. I've been sick, and in pain, and inconvenienced, and my façade has been stripped away and my pride has been damaged. I've had to travel to a dumpy clinic to see a doctor that has a harsh personality. I don't like it. I could not stop complaining about it. Then I was reading through Philippians - I actually just read through it over and over for several days in a row - and I thought what do I have to complain about?! I am still struggling with the complaining - it's a nasty part of my personality - but I started thanking God for everything. For having to go to that dumpy clinic and see that crabby doctor. I don't know exactly what His purposes are, but they're a lot better and smarter than mine. Now, last month, besides the dumpy clinic, I got to take 3 trips to the hospital. So, I went out and bought some little goodies like gum and trail mix and whatever, and I put together a huge bunch of little bags full of treats, along with a gospel tract from Living Waters, and a DVD with a fabulous gospel presentation from Wretched. I handed them out at the hospital and the clinic, and told them that I appreciate how well they have cared for me. That means that a whole lot of people got a gospel message and a little appreciation who probably would not have gotten it, if I had not been so sick. I got to talk to a woman who was terrified of having an MRI and pray for her. That wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had to have another MRI that I was so annoyed about having done. So, I began thanking God for what I was going through, and after that, He began showing me the little joys that I could have if I would just stop being such a brat. It hasn't made it any less painful or fun, but it always amazes me how He gives me so many good things if I will just stop fighting and accept them!
Second, I am not making any resolutions, but today, I feel hopeful about the coming year. I used to hope and pray for a "better" year than the previous one. At times I have jokingly thought that it can't get any worse than it was last year. Well that is never true and it's not something to joke about, really. I had a pretty difficult year a few years ago, and the next year broke my heart. So, it's a stupid thing to say or joke about. It will be whatever God wants it to be, and if it needs to be painful in order to sanctify me, then so be it.
For the past four or five years, I dream of finding that miracle supplement or whatever that will make me feel all better. I'll be full of energy, go to work 30 hours a week, help my family pay off bills, whatever whatever whatever. This year - okay, at least today, right now, while I'm remembering it - I want peace in my heart. I want to not be striving to be what I feel I should be (that independent, doesn't need help woman), but striving to be what God wants me to be. I have always been irritated by language like that, because it sounds so all about me, probably because it usually is. But what I mean is that - whatever my circumstances - healthy, not healthy, financially stable or not, WHATEVER, I must be content. My near future, which involves more doctor visits, tests, pain, inconvenience, cannot define my joy or my gratitude, or my contentment. I feel like a loser a lot of the time, because I am just not able to do the things I want to do, but then at times God gives me so much joy over the tiny little things. Why am I constantly fretting over the things I can't do, when He gives me so many gifts?! It's ridiculous. My number one goal for the coming year is not to feel better, or gain energy, or read my Bible or theology books more, or to recover from this health crisis, or help my family pay off bills, or keep a cleaner house, or work hard so I can feel good about me. My number one goal is to enjoy the Lord. Whatever is happening. That's got to make for a pretty good year.
So, that was a lot of words. Basically to kind of catch people up a little on what has happened in recent months, and I really want to encourage everyone to be mindful this coming year about being grateful for every little thing, even the hard stuff. Because even the hard stuff is good stuff, if you love God. Romans 8:28, don'tcha know.
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