Just Thoughts

Hello, friends. As you may notice, I have not updated my blog in a while now. I've had a pretty tough couple of weeks, and I'm feeling very physically and emotionally raw. I have been debating whether or not just to give up the blog already. I don't say that because I'm looking for any encouragement - just being honest.

I've had a lot of thoughts flowing through my brain, but I am choosing not to write them out. I feel like anything I have to say is going to turn out sounding boo hoo, and I hate that! So, please be patient with me as I sort out my brain and make some decisions.

In order to not have a whiny poor me post, I thought I would share another hobby with you. For many years, I have enjoyed photography very much, and in the last year or so, I have been taking my own photos and editing them in all sorts of ways, and then putting a Bible verse on it. I've done several that are not particularly good, and then some that are fairly good. Here is one of my favorites:

I like it because it's one of my first drawings. If you ignore her goofy shaped arm, it's not bad. I like the scripty writing I chose for the verse, and I have had it as the lock screen on my phone as a reminder!

Since I've been feeling sort of frustrated and self centered, I've decided to do a whole series of scripture art, using verses from the Psalms. I plan to choose whatever verse particularly catches my attention, but I will go through each chapter in order. What better way to get over myself than to read and meditate on the precious truths found in the Psalms! So, here is my first one. It's not the best ever, but I love it, because it is a photograph I took, and then I used this cool overlay to make it look like a painting!

I never seem to get my photos lined up right. But I don't care. This is a verse we should all remember, every single day.

Until next time, my lovely readers - please take time to meditate on the word of God. It truly is a precious gift to us as believers!

 

 

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Sick Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Greetings, readers! Today's post is definitely going to be about dealing with health challenges. And by definitely, I mean sort of. I've spent most of my day getting ready for my toddler class that I teach at church tomorrow and getting ready for camp, so this will be less wordy. I think. Yay for you!

I've been thinking about this lately because I tend to get bogged down in the stuff of life. I feel guilty and frustrated when I have sick days, and so I try to compensate by putting myself on a schedule, or trying to be disciplined about doing "important" things. Now, don't get me wrong, discipline is a good thing. And we all need some structure in our lives. But I allow it to trump everything, so I end up doing doing doing, then getting sick sick sick. It's a stupid cycle.

People who suffer from chronic illness have a hard time with having fun the way we used to. Sometimes our bodies don't work the way we want them to. Sometimes we're too tired. Sometimes we're too mentally tired. But I think we should make whatever effort we can to do things that we enjoy.

I think hobbies are an important thing for the person who is chronically ill. Having a hobby can give us a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, and when you choose the right ones for you, they can be super fun! Remember that your abilities might be limited, so choose something challenging but not frustratingly so, and remember to give yourself some grace! It doesn't have to be perfect to be enjoyable.

I am a very creative and artistic person, though I don't consider myself to be an artist. I love music, and I enjoy playing instruments, although I admit it is something I have neglected, especially since I had surgery. I am planning on incorporating music into my life again soon. I used to play the flute and for years I played nearly every day, but then I stopped, because I wasn't playing for people anymore. But I realize now that doesn't matter - I enjoy it for the sake of doing it, so it doesn't need to be for other people. And I really love to play hymns, so it's an excellent way to worship God and reflect on the words of the hymns as I play!

My latest creative hobby has been drawing and painting. I love it! I'm not a bit good at it, but I don't care. I find that it is something I particularly enjoy doing at night when I am by myself - I usually use a photo or something as inspiration, or I will look on the internet for some instruction when I don't know how to do it. And I can use my lap desk and sit on my bed, all cozy with the heating pad and an audiobook. Crazy times, I tell ya. Anyway, there are so many ways we can be creative, even with limited abilities.

What about you? Do you have a musical instrument you could dust off and play, simply for the pleasure of making music? What other ways do you express your creativity, and what hobbies do you enjoy the most? Please share with me in the comments, or follow me on Facebook, and let's have a conversation!

 

Here is a drawing of mine: I will share it with you, so you can see you don't have to be a great artist to enjoy making art!

 

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Unmasked, For Real

Good Thursday, mateys! Oh how the week flies by. Next week, I am heading off to church camp for the first time in my sheltered little life. I have been spending the majority of my time getting crafts ready for the church kiddos to do. Once I get back from that, hopefully I'll have more time and brain matter to devote to this fascinating little blog.

I'm super nervous about going to camp! I'm a little bit of a social weirdo. Remember that whole "sorry, I'm awkward" thing? Uh huh. But I'm mostly concerned about my health holding up. As I mentioned before, I am pretty open about letting people know about my health, and when I say open, I mean that I have to awkwardly explain why I don't have a typical job. I don't go into a lot of details or explanation. Even though I regularly tell people I have issues, I still act like I don't. Usually, by about 4 in the afternoon, I am so tired and in so much pain. But I'll still go to Bible study or wherever, and pretend I'm completely fine. Except for the nights I don't go because I'm less fine than usual...so I'm sure everyone just thinks I'm fine most of the time. Sorry, I'm awkward. Seriously, I drive myself crazy. I feel like there's a fine line between being real and being whiny. I guess I like to err on the side of caution. I do this no matter where I go, too. Like, I'll be feeling like I'm going to die, and need to go to the store, and I'll just walk around that store like a totally healthy person. Why do I do this? It's partly pride and partly habit. I just don't even think to not wear a mask. I just do it. And then I'm in even more pain than before. So, that's what I'm nervous about with camp.

I try to avoid situations that make me want to crawl in a hole uncomfortable, which turns out being really stupid. Here's how it works:

Random person: Hey, *insert activity here* would be fun! We should do it sometime!

Me: Yeah, that would be totally fun! (note to reader: I mean it sincerely)

My brain: I think I just died a little.

*Activity is tentatively planned*

My brain: What were you thinking?! This is NOT going to be fun! It's going to hurt! You're going to get low blood sugar! You always do when you are stressed. Remember?! *goes on and on about all the things that will be bad, disrupts my sleep*

Me: What was I thinking? Of course my brain is right. *Activity* would be fun if I wasn't sick all the time. But I am sick all the time! Now what?

My mom: Duh. What am I always trying to tell you?

Me: Uhhh...*activity* isn't going to be able to happen.

 

You don't know how many times this has played out. The problem is, quite often, I am genuinely too sick to do something, and not just backing out because of the scenarios running through my head. And I know that Random Person very likely thinks that I am just backing out because of my awkward introverted nature. See, Random Person doesn't know all of the things I struggle with, because I'm always wearing the mask. They just know about the awkward me. That means that when I am genuinely sick, Random Person doesn't know it. If you read my last post, you know that I'm working on not caring about what other people think about me, because it doesn't matter. But flaking out and hurting Random Person's feelings is not okay. As I said, there is a fine line between being real and being whiny.

I have nothing to whine about because Jesus is my Savior, and God graciously ordains every circumstance of my day! Even when I'm sick, it must be part of His plan. But I do need to be real. I need to let people know when something is too much for me. I need to let people know when I need help, or when I need a break. But that's not just for my sake, it's for the sake of my family, friends, and acquaintances too. Even though it's hard for me to believe, people want to be a part of my life as much as I want to be a part of theirs.

 

My new friend Shelly over at Reneweddaily.com is doing a series on the cost of pride. It's been a great read, and touches on things I have blogged about. You should check it out, and if you have a friend who suffers from chronic illness, please recommend this blog and Shelly's blog!

 

Do you hide your struggles from others? Please leave a comment. Oh, and as you can see, I now have a button so you can follow my page on Facebook, and you can follow me on Pinterest! I have a board on Pinterest devoted to chronic illness, but I pin many other things as well. I'm sorry in advance for my silly sense of humor. Sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hello, I'm Fat

Looks like I've neglected my blog for about a week now! I'll work on doing better about that. Because I know you were just waiting for a new post. Ahem.

I hate the way I look in photos. Truly. I see them, and I think is that how I look all the time? Then I shudder and throw up in my mouth a little. It's why I haven't posted a photo of myself on here.

Have I mentioned that 3 weeks ago, my sweet little niece was born? No? That's because it's another post. Gotta have something to talk about, don'tcha know. For now, I'll just tell you, I am crazy about that girl. I don't have children of my own, so being an aunt to my 3 nieces and 1 nephew is the best thing ever.

I got to be there the day my friend Lisa did her newborn photo shoot. It was fun. Until I had Lisa take some photos of me. That was less fun. We had already discussed it, but that didn't help me like it more.

I wanted it done for a couple of reasons. First, I'm nosy, and I want to know what people look like. Second, because I am guilty over and over and over of the sin of pride. What better way to work through that than to have your picture taken, right?

See, I didn't used to be fat like this. A few years ago, I went through a period of time where I lost a lot of weight and was quite thin. I've always been one of those women that you would call 'big boned'. I'm a bigger girl, but when I lost the weight, I was thinner than I had ever been. All my bones were sticking out, and my clothes became baggier and baggier on me.

And when I lost the weight, I was not eating. I was working out too much. I was on purpose avoiding entire food groups. It started out that I was so sick, I was desperate for anything that would make me feel better. But as I continued losing, I enjoyed all the compliments. I was surrounded by people who would tell me all the time how pretty I was since I was thin. I even remember someone who said, "You're wasting away before my very eyes! It looks so good on you!" 'Wasting away' doesn't sound very healthy, does it? But you know how when someone says something to you, you never unhear it? Someone else once told me that I was masculine because I was bigger. Now, I love being a girl. I love all things girly, so that statement hurt me a lot. The person who said it was not trying to be hurtful, but it has been well over 10 years since it happened, and I still remember it. That person also could not have known that when I was a little girl, a family member whom I was close to made fun of me and told me all the reasons I was boyish. This was an adult family member, by the way.

Anyway, 'wasting away' sounded pretty good to me. I was well on my way to a full blown eating disorder. I had surgery during this time. Because I was terrified of gaining weight because of inactivity, and because of bad nutrition advice from a doctor, I began to restrict my diet even more after surgery. I ended up losing something like 22 pounds (that I did not need to lose) in 9 days. I was having all kinds of complications after surgery. In total desperation, I started eating some of the things I was restricting. And I started feeling so. Much. Better. Seriously. Now, I'll repeat once again that this is not a health blog. So I don't want to go into diet and what is healthy and what is not. It's not my purpose. Suffice it to say, I have gained weight again.

I spent an entire year feeling terribly guilty because I got fat. I felt like I failed myself. Even though my body was functioning better than it had in a couple of years. And I spent the whole year avoiding almost all of the people that I knew. The only people I spent any time with were my family. I remember the first time I finally had to see someone I knew outside of my little safe zone. I felt humiliated.

At this point in this post, I'm struggling a little. Because the prideful part of me wants to explain some things to you, that don't need to be explained. It would only be to defend my pride. On the other hand, the reason I blog is to hopefully be a help to someone who is reading this. So...I guess I will just say that I spent a lot of time doing a lot of research, and I found some resources like Health At Every Size to be helpful.

Moving on....I don't remember when I had the realization, but it went something like this: was I better off when I was abusing my body, obsessing over food and workout programs, just for the sake of looking better than I am now? Back then, my time and thoughts were literally consumed by my diet. I rarely read the Bible, I didn't go to church, I rarely prayed. I couldn't enjoy time spent with my family.

Ugh. This is a hard post for me to write. I want so desperately to give you all the reasons why I'm better off now. But I won't. Yes, I need to exercise more. But I'm done obsessing over food forever, by the grace of God.

Back there when I said I was humiliated....I now know the experience was not meant to be humiliating, but humbling. God isn't a big meanie, waiting to cause painful circumstances in order to teach us a lesson. But He will ordain a painful circumstance in order to sanctify us.

These days, many Christians have turned food into a spiritual issue. Yes, it is a sin to abuse your body. Gluttony is a sin. There are a lot of things having to do with food that can be sin. But they are not necessarily inherently sin. Food itself is not spiritual. I have often felt frustrated and judged when reading blogs or listening to Christian radio because of the shaming that goes on.

 

But the fact is, it doesn't matter what you think of me. And when I shudder and gag over photos of me, I'm sinning. It has nothing to do with low self esteem, as many people would say. It has everything to do with me thinking so much of myself that I would care what other people are thinking about me. It has everything to do with me not making Jesus the center of every minute of every day.

Is it wrong to want to look nice? Nope. I think God gave us a sense of, and a desire for beauty. 1 Peter says to "let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

When I am looking in the mirror to put on my makeup, or wrestle flower clips out of my hair (Don't ask. I thought I was going to have to cut it out of my hair like a wad of gum.), instead of focusing on my imperfect skin or double chin, I want to focus on Jesus. Too often I spend time criticizing myself, and no time praying for persecuted Christians. Too often I focus on everything that is ugly about me, instead of everything beautiful about Jesus.

Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Wow!!!

Do you see all your imperfections in photographs? Do you groan every time someone points a camera at you? Do you, like me, constantly feel like you need to defend yourself to other people, because of your appearance? Illness can alter our appearances. I pray we will see the beauty of Jesus. That we will thank God for the bodies He has given us. That we will not obsess over health for the sake of looking good to others. That we will love the word of God, and preach the gospel. Praise Jesus!

 

Thank you, Lisa Carey Photography for taking my photos.

 

Don't forget to comment! ;)

 

I'm sharing this post on: Sharing His Beauty @ The Beauty in His Grip, Monday's Musings @ What Joy Is Mine, and Chronicles of Grace

 

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Confessions of a Church Skipper and Hopper

Happy Monday, folks! This will probably turn out to be a pretty wordy post, but please read to the end, otherwise you will miss what I really want to say. Today I want to talk about church. I actually attempted this two nights ago, only to go to bed feeling mildly frustrated that I couldn't gather my thoughts enough for them to make any sense. I think that since I just went to church yesterday, the ideas I want to express are so fresh in my mind, it should work out better. God always knows what He is doing, doesn't He? He gives us what we need, when we need it, and not before.

I like 1 John 1:9 - if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Sweet. Of course, James 5:16 tells us to confess our sins to each other and pray for each other. Bummer. Isn't it easier just to confess our sins to God? Confessing to one another can damage our reputations.

As you can see from my title, this is somewhat of a confession. Yes, I was formerly a church skipper, then a church hopper. My prideful self - yes, there it is again - does not want to talk about this. Of course, I want everyone to believe that I have it all together. I've been attending church since I was a little girl, and I love Jesus. So, I have a lot of experience at this, and I can talk a good game, if that's what I want to do. Not good.

I spent a good majority of time - a couple of years - rarely attending church. I had been a member of a church for quite a while, but over the years, I began learning on my own about theology and doctrine, and I came to disagree quite a lot with what my church taught. I attended small groups and Bible studies here and there, and was always told it was fine to not attend church, as long as I was hanging out with believers. So, that's what I did. Hey, I haven't even been to Bible study for a month, but sure, I'll go to a movie with you guys. I need to be hanging out with fellow believers, right? Why did I need to go to church, when I was reading my Bible and listening to podcasts at home, getting the teaching that I craved, and wasn't receiving at church?

I continued only going to church once in a while, and I might go on Easter or Christmas or something. I remember thinking all the time that I needed to go to church, but then talking myself out of it. I was tired. I never learned anything there anyway.

Then, a pretty major crisis occured in my family. I needed help. I turned to the church for the guidance I was seeking, and was pretty much turned away. How dare they! I had been a member for years. Without God's sovereign hand in my life, I probably would have become very bitter against the church as a whole. I was pretty angry. But I was desperate for some kind of help. So, I left that church for good, and found another. They were willing and eager to help me. I attended there for a while, but they were going through some big changes, and I balked as soon as I perceived they were becoming very much like the church I had just left. No problem. I had found a Bible study there and just went to that instead of church. It suited me pretty well. I still didn't have to get up early on a Sunday for church, but I was back in fellowship. I didn't actually do my weekly lessons, but I made friends and spent lots of time with them.

Until they abandoned me. I had been going to the Bible study for nearly a year, and we had taken a little break during the summer. During that time, they all decided to disband the Bible study. And didn't tell me. I found out about 2 months later, right before it was supposed to start back up.

Well, I was angry again. And totally without fellowship, again. Remind me again - why do I need to go to church, when I'll just end up being treated like dirt?

Long story, I know. I wanted to just totally give up on church altogether, but ever since that crisis period, I knew I needed to be in some kind of fellowship. When that had happened, I quickly realized I had very few friends. And the couple of close friends I did have were not able to give me the help I needed. They loved me through it, but they have their own families and lives. So, I began researching churches in my area. My prevailing thought was that I needed a support system. I had long since given up on the idea that I would find a church with teaching that was in line with what I believe in - which is reformed theology. I was just hopeful to find a church with nice people.

After a lot of searching, and church hopping (there's the other part of my confession) I landed where I am now. Okay, I didn't land there. God placed me there. It definitely feels like family to me. In an awkward sense, of course, because I'm super weird. Have you seen that t-shirt that says, "Sorry, I'm awkward. Sorry."? It makes me laugh so much, because it's 100% me. I've been attending this church for 8 months now, and I feel totally at home, and totally like a newbie. But really, it's because I'm weird. The church is great. Excellent teaching, fabulous, kind people. I love everything about it. I feel so humbled that God has placed me there!

I'm about to get to the point of the story here, so if you've just been skimming through that mess of words up there, here is where you want to pay attention. I love my church. I'm excited to go to church on Sundays. I'm getting involved, doing some volunteering, and for the first time in so many years, I look forward to doing these things. But this is not about how great my church is, and it's not about finding the perfect church. It never had to do with me finding the right church. It has nothing to do with my former church, which I felt at the time had treated me unfairly. When I consider what Jesus has done for me, what right do I have to be offended when every little thing doesn't go my way? It had and has to do with my heart. I disagreed with the teaching at my former church, but that wasn't the reason I left. I had a disobedient heart. I suspect that if I had attended church faithfully as I should have, my journey to the church I'm in now would have been much less painful. During my time of church skippage and hoppage, I knew in my heart that I was wrong, despite all of my justifying and rationalizing. My heart was turned toward myself - church wasn't doing anything for me. Well, church isn't about me. It's about being obedient to the Lord Jesus. Hebrews 10:25 tells us not to neglect meeting together. And it's not talking about showing up at a Bible study here and there and going to movies and out to lunch with other Christians.

God is so gracious to me. He placed that crisis in my life in order to teach me some hard lessons. It was a painful time, but I would never wish I could change it - it has made me a different person, and I know I am being sanctified through the hard times. Thank you, Lord!

It's easy to become complacent about church attendance, especially when you suffer with an illness or disability, but it is my prayer that we will all make it a priority. God has designed us to be in fellowship, and we need it even more when we deal with hardships. If you are not in a church, I pray that you would make every effort to be there! I know that many people are home-bound, but I also know how easy it was for me to make excuses. Not only do you need to have a church family, but they need you! No matter how little you feel you have to offer.

Thanks for reading, my lovelies! Don't forget to comment, and please share!

 

 

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