Unmasked, For Real

Good Thursday, mateys! Oh how the week flies by. Next week, I am heading off to church camp for the first time in my sheltered little life. I have been spending the majority of my time getting crafts ready for the church kiddos to do. Once I get back from that, hopefully I'll have more time and brain matter to devote to this fascinating little blog.

I'm super nervous about going to camp! I'm a little bit of a social weirdo. Remember that whole "sorry, I'm awkward" thing? Uh huh. But I'm mostly concerned about my health holding up. As I mentioned before, I am pretty open about letting people know about my health, and when I say open, I mean that I have to awkwardly explain why I don't have a typical job. I don't go into a lot of details or explanation. Even though I regularly tell people I have issues, I still act like I don't. Usually, by about 4 in the afternoon, I am so tired and in so much pain. But I'll still go to Bible study or wherever, and pretend I'm completely fine. Except for the nights I don't go because I'm less fine than usual...so I'm sure everyone just thinks I'm fine most of the time. Sorry, I'm awkward. Seriously, I drive myself crazy. I feel like there's a fine line between being real and being whiny. I guess I like to err on the side of caution. I do this no matter where I go, too. Like, I'll be feeling like I'm going to die, and need to go to the store, and I'll just walk around that store like a totally healthy person. Why do I do this? It's partly pride and partly habit. I just don't even think to not wear a mask. I just do it. And then I'm in even more pain than before. So, that's what I'm nervous about with camp.

I try to avoid situations that make me want to crawl in a hole uncomfortable, which turns out being really stupid. Here's how it works:

Random person: Hey, *insert activity here* would be fun! We should do it sometime!

Me: Yeah, that would be totally fun! (note to reader: I mean it sincerely)

My brain: I think I just died a little.

*Activity is tentatively planned*

My brain: What were you thinking?! This is NOT going to be fun! It's going to hurt! You're going to get low blood sugar! You always do when you are stressed. Remember?! *goes on and on about all the things that will be bad, disrupts my sleep*

Me: What was I thinking? Of course my brain is right. *Activity* would be fun if I wasn't sick all the time. But I am sick all the time! Now what?

My mom: Duh. What am I always trying to tell you?

Me: Uhhh...*activity* isn't going to be able to happen.

 

You don't know how many times this has played out. The problem is, quite often, I am genuinely too sick to do something, and not just backing out because of the scenarios running through my head. And I know that Random Person very likely thinks that I am just backing out because of my awkward introverted nature. See, Random Person doesn't know all of the things I struggle with, because I'm always wearing the mask. They just know about the awkward me. That means that when I am genuinely sick, Random Person doesn't know it. If you read my last post, you know that I'm working on not caring about what other people think about me, because it doesn't matter. But flaking out and hurting Random Person's feelings is not okay. As I said, there is a fine line between being real and being whiny.

I have nothing to whine about because Jesus is my Savior, and God graciously ordains every circumstance of my day! Even when I'm sick, it must be part of His plan. But I do need to be real. I need to let people know when something is too much for me. I need to let people know when I need help, or when I need a break. But that's not just for my sake, it's for the sake of my family, friends, and acquaintances too. Even though it's hard for me to believe, people want to be a part of my life as much as I want to be a part of theirs.

 

My new friend Shelly over at Reneweddaily.com is doing a series on the cost of pride. It's been a great read, and touches on things I have blogged about. You should check it out, and if you have a friend who suffers from chronic illness, please recommend this blog and Shelly's blog!

 

Do you hide your struggles from others? Please leave a comment. Oh, and as you can see, I now have a button so you can follow my page on Facebook, and you can follow me on Pinterest! I have a board on Pinterest devoted to chronic illness, but I pin many other things as well. I'm sorry in advance for my silly sense of humor. Sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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