Hello, I'm Fat

Looks like I've neglected my blog for about a week now! I'll work on doing better about that. Because I know you were just waiting for a new post. Ahem.

I hate the way I look in photos. Truly. I see them, and I think is that how I look all the time? Then I shudder and throw up in my mouth a little. It's why I haven't posted a photo of myself on here.

Have I mentioned that 3 weeks ago, my sweet little niece was born? No? That's because it's another post. Gotta have something to talk about, don'tcha know. For now, I'll just tell you, I am crazy about that girl. I don't have children of my own, so being an aunt to my 3 nieces and 1 nephew is the best thing ever.

I got to be there the day my friend Lisa did her newborn photo shoot. It was fun. Until I had Lisa take some photos of me. That was less fun. We had already discussed it, but that didn't help me like it more.

I wanted it done for a couple of reasons. First, I'm nosy, and I want to know what people look like. Second, because I am guilty over and over and over of the sin of pride. What better way to work through that than to have your picture taken, right?

See, I didn't used to be fat like this. A few years ago, I went through a period of time where I lost a lot of weight and was quite thin. I've always been one of those women that you would call 'big boned'. I'm a bigger girl, but when I lost the weight, I was thinner than I had ever been. All my bones were sticking out, and my clothes became baggier and baggier on me.

And when I lost the weight, I was not eating. I was working out too much. I was on purpose avoiding entire food groups. It started out that I was so sick, I was desperate for anything that would make me feel better. But as I continued losing, I enjoyed all the compliments. I was surrounded by people who would tell me all the time how pretty I was since I was thin. I even remember someone who said, "You're wasting away before my very eyes! It looks so good on you!" 'Wasting away' doesn't sound very healthy, does it? But you know how when someone says something to you, you never unhear it? Someone else once told me that I was masculine because I was bigger. Now, I love being a girl. I love all things girly, so that statement hurt me a lot. The person who said it was not trying to be hurtful, but it has been well over 10 years since it happened, and I still remember it. That person also could not have known that when I was a little girl, a family member whom I was close to made fun of me and told me all the reasons I was boyish. This was an adult family member, by the way.

Anyway, 'wasting away' sounded pretty good to me. I was well on my way to a full blown eating disorder. I had surgery during this time. Because I was terrified of gaining weight because of inactivity, and because of bad nutrition advice from a doctor, I began to restrict my diet even more after surgery. I ended up losing something like 22 pounds (that I did not need to lose) in 9 days. I was having all kinds of complications after surgery. In total desperation, I started eating some of the things I was restricting. And I started feeling so. Much. Better. Seriously. Now, I'll repeat once again that this is not a health blog. So I don't want to go into diet and what is healthy and what is not. It's not my purpose. Suffice it to say, I have gained weight again.

I spent an entire year feeling terribly guilty because I got fat. I felt like I failed myself. Even though my body was functioning better than it had in a couple of years. And I spent the whole year avoiding almost all of the people that I knew. The only people I spent any time with were my family. I remember the first time I finally had to see someone I knew outside of my little safe zone. I felt humiliated.

At this point in this post, I'm struggling a little. Because the prideful part of me wants to explain some things to you, that don't need to be explained. It would only be to defend my pride. On the other hand, the reason I blog is to hopefully be a help to someone who is reading this. So...I guess I will just say that I spent a lot of time doing a lot of research, and I found some resources like Health At Every Size to be helpful.

Moving on....I don't remember when I had the realization, but it went something like this: was I better off when I was abusing my body, obsessing over food and workout programs, just for the sake of looking better than I am now? Back then, my time and thoughts were literally consumed by my diet. I rarely read the Bible, I didn't go to church, I rarely prayed. I couldn't enjoy time spent with my family.

Ugh. This is a hard post for me to write. I want so desperately to give you all the reasons why I'm better off now. But I won't. Yes, I need to exercise more. But I'm done obsessing over food forever, by the grace of God.

Back there when I said I was humiliated....I now know the experience was not meant to be humiliating, but humbling. God isn't a big meanie, waiting to cause painful circumstances in order to teach us a lesson. But He will ordain a painful circumstance in order to sanctify us.

These days, many Christians have turned food into a spiritual issue. Yes, it is a sin to abuse your body. Gluttony is a sin. There are a lot of things having to do with food that can be sin. But they are not necessarily inherently sin. Food itself is not spiritual. I have often felt frustrated and judged when reading blogs or listening to Christian radio because of the shaming that goes on.

 

But the fact is, it doesn't matter what you think of me. And when I shudder and gag over photos of me, I'm sinning. It has nothing to do with low self esteem, as many people would say. It has everything to do with me thinking so much of myself that I would care what other people are thinking about me. It has everything to do with me not making Jesus the center of every minute of every day.

Is it wrong to want to look nice? Nope. I think God gave us a sense of, and a desire for beauty. 1 Peter says to "let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

When I am looking in the mirror to put on my makeup, or wrestle flower clips out of my hair (Don't ask. I thought I was going to have to cut it out of my hair like a wad of gum.), instead of focusing on my imperfect skin or double chin, I want to focus on Jesus. Too often I spend time criticizing myself, and no time praying for persecuted Christians. Too often I focus on everything that is ugly about me, instead of everything beautiful about Jesus.

Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Wow!!!

Do you see all your imperfections in photographs? Do you groan every time someone points a camera at you? Do you, like me, constantly feel like you need to defend yourself to other people, because of your appearance? Illness can alter our appearances. I pray we will see the beauty of Jesus. That we will thank God for the bodies He has given us. That we will not obsess over health for the sake of looking good to others. That we will love the word of God, and preach the gospel. Praise Jesus!

 

Thank you, Lisa Carey Photography for taking my photos.

 

Don't forget to comment! ;)

 

I'm sharing this post on: Sharing His Beauty @ The Beauty in His Grip, Monday's Musings @ What Joy Is Mine, and Chronicles of Grace

 

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