Well, hello again. How about a recipe?

Looks like my average blogging is every 6 months or so huh? I've had that little bloggy bug bite me several times in the last few months, but I just don't seem to get around to doing it. I've been wanting to change the name of my blog for quite a while too. I can't seem to think of a name that I really dig. So for now, it's changed to Happy Sleepy Spoonie.

That would be me, by the way.

My latest set of health challenges have grown and taught me so much, and I find myself everyday more joyful and thankful to God. Not only for His grace, but even for the trials, which I know are sanctifying me everyday. I never stop being amazed by His goodness. That's the happy part - I have so much joy in Christ!

Sleepy, because I felt like I needed another word in there and if I said happy happy, it might sound too much like hungry hungry. As in hippo. So I chose sleepy. I had surgery a few months ago (I am working my brain almost to the point of smoke coming out of my ears, and I can't remember the month that I had the surgery). Ever since then, I am more exhausted than I've ever been. At least for this long of a period of time. I feel like I am in a fog, and maybe like I'm wearing cement shoes. Folks, I am tired.

And Spoonie is self explanatory, IF you know about the spoon theory, and if you don't, I suggest you look it up!

These days, I rarely cook. Did I mention I'm tired? I went to the farmer's market on Saturday though, and bought some loverly Japanese eggplant and zucchini, so I had to make something. I looked up a bunch of recipes, and I don't know if I was just being extra lazy, but they had so many steps I couldn't even read them. Then, I had a flash of inspiration.

I have never actually eaten moussaka, being gluten free, and also allergic to eggs and tapioca. You just can't make a lot of good gluten free dishes without eggs and tapioca. So when a recipe calls for a bechemel, I usually skip right on past it. I don't like using things like egg replacers or gums if I can ever help it, and flax and chia seeds don't give me the results I want either. So, forget it. But, moussaka...it sounds so delicious. Greek food is my very favorite, I think. I firmly believe I could live on pita bread and hummus and baba ganouj....

Anyway. I came up with this moussaka inspired casserole type thingy. It might need a better name. But here we go.

While my oven was preheating to 400 degrees, I washed and cut my Japanese eggplant and a zucchini into rounds and placed them on a greased sheet pan. I don't like to cook with liquid oils like olive oil (too inflammatory), so lately, I've been using red palm oil. I don't use it for other people because they might get grossed out by the color, but I think it looks a little pretty, and it's a nice healthy oil.

 

Once that went into the oven, I started cooking some ground beef in my trusty extremely heavy Dutch oven. Now, I tend to eat semi low FODMAP. Garlic and onions especially bother me. So this recipe could be low FODMAP with some tweaking. I cooked my ground beef with a whole garlic clove in the pot, mostly because I don't like the smell of meat. When you are cooking, it is important to remember to season as you go! I salted the eggplant and zucchini before roasting it, and the ground beef got a little salt, pepper, the whole garlic clove, and some oregano. Oh, and some ground fennel seed. I don't think that is ever in moussaka, but I like the way it smells. Once the ground beef was cooked through, I removed the garlic, added some green onions (take the rest of those green onions and freeze them, all chopped up. Little things like that help later on. You'll be more likely to want to cook a healthy meal if some of the work is already done for you!), more oregano, cinnamon, tomato sauce, and red wine. I generally cook with a Shiraz, but use whatever you want, or if you wanted to leave it out, a little more tomato sauce. OR, I think beet juice would taste lovely! Tomato sauce on its own doesn't really give that deep delicious flavor you're looking for.

 

 

Plus the color of the wine or beet juice makes it oh so pretty. I cooked it until the liquid cooked down, and it looked a little bit like sloppy joe with not a lot of slop. Oh, I forgot to mention, play some good music while you're cooking. I'm sure it makes the food taste better. I chose a 90's mix. You play whatever you like.

So, once the meat was all delicious-like (I know it was delicious because I tasted it. Taste your food as you go! Each component should taste good on its own. Don't be afraid of salt. Okay be a little afraid of table salt, mostly because it's gross. Use a good quality, yummy salt. They don't cost that much.), I scooped all of the now roasted squash and eggplant into my casserole dish. Oh, and at some point, I turned the oven down to 350. It doesn't matter when - this is hardly precise. Then I added the meat, and mixed it all together, with a sprinkling of parmesan cheese - use any hard cheese you like. Then I baked it for about 20 minutes.

Now, I just ate a bowl of this. But, practically any vegetable would be a good side dish. If I had any choice, I think it would be super tasty with some carrots, jicama, and some zucchini hummus. And kalamata olives.

This part is very important! Serve with another sprinkle of fresh parmesan and a dollop of salted sour cream. This is what will take the place of the bechemel. Obviously it's not the same, but I'm telling you, this was a delcious dish.

Moussaka Inspired Casserole Thingy

12 oz ground beef (use lamb if you have it!)

2 small Japanese eggplant

1 small zucchini (or substitute both of these with a regular eggplant)

Salt & pepper

Oregano

Cinnamon

Garlic (optional)

Fennel seed, powdered (sorry, I'm no good with measurements)

1 cup tomato sauce (I use organic, and it tastes better)

1/2 to 1 cup red wine (Shiraz if you have it, or seriously, I would try beet juice)

Parmesan cheese, shredded

Sour cream (you better salt that stuff)

Follow my wordy instructions up there. Enjoy.

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A Bit of Encouragement

Greetings, readers! All two or three of you! Last time I blogged, I shared it on my Facebook page, thought better of it, deleted it. I have no idea why. Will I do the same with this one? Who knows. I don't even have a title. Or much of a direction.

 

Well last time I talked about non-resolutions that are sort of resolutions and sort of not. As I said, for me it was more about feeling a little bit better than I have than it is about a new year. However, I do feel like once Christmas is over, I'm always ready for something new. When I taught preschool, I was always excited for our regular schedule to start back up again. Now I feel like I have less direction, less of a routine, so I feel antsy.

 

Anyway, almost as usual, I was having these lofty thoughts about what I would be doing with my time, newly restructured, once the new year celebrations were over. I say almost as usual, because they haven't been quite as lofty as in years past; no matter how well I look or how much better I am than I was, I am living in a new reality. Sort of. I've known for quite a long time that I have issues that will likely never go away (except when I'm in those periods of plotting how I will make them go away), but my latest health issues are definitely not going to go away. So, with that in mind, I've been thinking and planning or plotting or scheming...

 

And this week I feel like crud.

 

I feel the need for a sidenote here - at least two, maybe even three times in the last few weeks, I've had someone (different people on each occasion) tell me that you would never even know that I'm sick or struggle with all the issues that I do. Now, my closest friends and family do know it, because I'm a whiner. But these are people who don't know me so well. I know a lot of people who struggle with illness hate hearing that - and I also know that when people say it, it is not always meant to be kind. Sometimes it seems like a judgement - 'Why can't you just suck it up? You look fine to me!' But I really like it when someone says it to me. I don't think it's a good thing to hide your struggles - it's dishonest, and people can't really know what you need if you don't let them know. And I will admit that sometimes my prideful self puts on a show for people. But when I open up to someone and tell them about my illness, and they say something like that to me, I love it. Because I don't want people to see whiny Robyn. I want them to see joy, because the joy of the Lord is my strength! I don't always succeed in this - especially with my close friends, whom I feel comfortable enough with to let my guard down. I need to remember that a joyful and happy heart is as important to show them as it is anyone else, right? Right!

 

Okay, back to whiny Robyn. Not really. But seriously, I feel so lousy this week. In fact, I haven't left my house in four days. I've canceled plans with several different people because I just don't feel well enough. Now, after all that exciting (and remember for someone who is sick all the time, exciting might be just accomplishing a boring task or meeting a friend for coffee) planning and thinking about what I will do with my time, it can almost be a letdown. If I let it become that, anyway. I've had times in the past when I get sick and I feel so down in the dumps because all my plans have to change. But through all the hard things and pain in my life, God is really teaching me some things. Sometimes my plans are not His plans. And that's okay. In fact, it is good. I don't know what the reason is, but I don't have to. I can tell you one thing: it is sure humbling. I picture myself getting up in the morning, feeling good, getting ready to go, getting out and doing whatever it is I need (want) to do for the day, content and satisfied because I have accomplished so much. Stuff like that doesn't really happen when you don't go anywhere and have to lay down because you're in too much pain to even sit up. And it can be a disappointment. I want to BE important. I want to DO important things. When is that going to start?!

 

.....do you ever read Ephesians?

 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us. In all wisdom and insight He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him with a view to an administration suitable to the fullness of the times, that is, the summing up of all things in Christ, things in the heavens, and things on the earth. In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will, to the end that we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory. In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation - having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God's own possession, to the praise of His glory. ~~Ephesians 1:3-14 NASB

That. That gives me chills.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. ~~Ephesians 1:3-14 NASB

What was I whining about??

 

 

 

 

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I'm baaaack......?!?

I gave up on my blog a few months ago, but tonight, I'm feeling the urge to write again. It will likely turn out a sloppy, incoherent mess as usual, but we'll give it a go.

The last time I blogged, I was feeling really cruddy. One of those cruddy cycles that we sickos tend to go through. Since then I've gone through a LOT and my motives for blogging have changed quite a bit, so I don't know how consistently I will write.

Anyway, back toward the end of summer, as I said, I was feeling lousy, and I was having a harder than usual time dealing with it. Normally, I'm pretty stable emotionally, but I just felt rotten and almost unhappy in general. I do not tend toward depression. It's hard to describe how I felt, but I think it felt almost like "seasonal affective disorder" feels - when it's been winter forever and you are desperate in your mind for some sun and spring. Not horribly depressed like some people get but almost like a caged feeling. It was summer and I was getting plenty of sun and outdoorsy stuff, but it's the only similar feeling I can think of. That was the "feeling" side of it, and then physically I was so much more exhausted than usual. (Besides of all of the mess I'm about to write about, I have been diagnosed with chronic migraines, which probably helps explain a little of why I felt so extra bad for a while there!)

So, I had noticed I was having some issues with my vision. I let it go for about 6 weeks and tried treating it myself because I thought it was just symptoms of allergies or something, but when it continued to worsen, I got my eyes checked. Turned out it was a fairly serious issue, but I wasn't too concerned. Treatment should have been pretty straight forward. The hardest part in the beginning was dealing with my own feelings of inadequacy - once again being too ill to do the things I want to do and feel I need to do, having to rely on others for help. Same old stuff. Unfortunately, I had a terrible reaction to the medication I was given, and I was a wreck. I mean, total wreck. I won't go into everything because it would take forever, but basically I was unable to walk without a cane and help, shaking uncontrollably, exhausted beyond belief, etc. And finding out that this could be my new normal. (Once the doctor finally understood the medication was making me worse instead of better, he switched me to a new one and I'm doing MUCH better, though not nearly back to my old self) I was desperately clinging to God and His faithfulness, but struggled with bouts of anger. I've spent my entire adult life fighting with my health, and now this. Really?

Because just before this happened, I was done. I was determined that I was done being sick all the time. I was going to get through my latest cycle of exhaustion and yuck, and things were going to change. Because my self worth comes from my ability to work hard, and that's what I was going to do, because I was tired of looking like a loser. Me me me me me me me me me me. Ugh, disgusting, right? I know.

I didn't actually say any of those things, of course, because they sound stupid and self absorbed, but I now see that the things I was telling myself were pathetic excuses for all the me things going on inside my head.

This is a very condensed version of my story. My friends who are sick to death of hearing about me could tell you that. It's been a months long process, and will continue for probably many more months.

It's nearly the new year, and I am not a person who makes resolutions. I find them to be annoying and frustrating. However, it just so happens that my latest health crisis is stabilizing somewhat right around the new year, so I am thinking about new ways of doing things and making some changes. I think most of these thoughts can apply to anyone.

First, my situation became so much easier once I developed gratitude for it. I have been through a lot in my life. I have been through incredible pain. For me, it is never easy to give thanks in all circumstances. Now, over the years, it has become easier to be thankful, but it is a choice I always have to purposefully make. So when this all started for me, even though I knew immediately that it would be extremely expensive for my family, and getting the medical care I need would be complicated, I thanked God that He was going to take care of it, in whatever way was best. Maybe not my way, but the best way. But as I said, I have had times of being angry, or feeling sorry for myself. Because it's been so hard. I've been sick, and in pain, and inconvenienced, and my façade has been stripped away and my pride has been damaged. I've had to travel to a dumpy clinic to see a doctor that has a harsh personality. I don't like it. I could not stop complaining about it. Then I was reading through Philippians - I actually just read through it over and over for several days in a row - and I thought what do I have to complain about?! I am still struggling with the complaining - it's a nasty part of my personality - but I started thanking God for everything. For having to go to that dumpy clinic and see that crabby doctor. I don't know exactly what His purposes are, but they're a lot better and smarter than mine. Now, last month, besides the dumpy clinic, I got to take 3 trips to the hospital. So, I went out and bought some little goodies like gum and trail mix and whatever, and I put together a huge bunch of little bags full of treats, along with a gospel tract from Living Waters, and a DVD with a fabulous gospel presentation from Wretched. I handed them out at the hospital and the clinic, and told them that I appreciate how well they have cared for me. That means that a whole lot of people got a gospel message and a little appreciation who probably would not have gotten it, if I had not been so sick. I got to talk to a woman who was terrified of having an MRI and pray for her. That wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had to have another MRI that I was so annoyed about having done. So, I began thanking God for what I was going through, and after that, He began showing me the little joys that I could have if I would just stop being such a brat. It hasn't made it any less painful or fun, but it always amazes me how He gives me so many good things if I will just stop fighting and accept them!

Second, I am not making any resolutions, but today, I feel hopeful about the coming year. I used to hope and pray for a "better" year than the previous one. At times I have jokingly thought that it can't get any worse than it was last year. Well that is never true and it's not something to joke about, really. I had a pretty difficult year a few years ago, and the next year broke my heart. So, it's a stupid thing to say or joke about. It will be whatever God wants it to be, and if it needs to be painful in order to sanctify me, then so be it.

For the past four or five years, I dream of finding that miracle supplement or whatever that will make me feel all better. I'll be full of energy, go to work 30 hours a week, help my family pay off bills, whatever whatever whatever. This year - okay, at least today, right now, while I'm remembering it - I want peace in my heart. I want to not be striving to be what I feel I should be (that independent, doesn't need help woman), but striving to be what God wants me to be. I have always been irritated by language like that, because it sounds so all about me, probably because it usually is. But what I mean is that - whatever my circumstances - healthy, not healthy, financially stable or not, WHATEVER, I must be content. My near future, which involves more doctor visits, tests, pain, inconvenience, cannot define my joy or my gratitude, or my contentment. I feel like a loser a lot of the time, because I am just not able to do the things I want to do, but then at times God gives me so much joy over the tiny little things. Why am I constantly fretting over the things I can't do, when He gives me so many gifts?! It's ridiculous. My number one goal for the coming year is not to feel better, or gain energy, or read my Bible or theology books more, or to recover from this health crisis, or help my family pay off bills, or keep a cleaner house, or work hard so I can feel good about me. My number one goal is to enjoy the Lord. Whatever is happening. That's got to make for a pretty good year.

So, that was a lot of words. Basically to kind of catch people up a little on what has happened in recent months, and I really want to encourage everyone to be mindful this coming year about being grateful for every little thing, even the hard stuff. Because even the hard stuff is good stuff, if you love God. Romans 8:28, don'tcha know.

 

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A Few of My Favorite Things....

Greetings, readers! I'm still giving this a go, for now. I have been really immersing myself in some extra solid teaching for the last few days, and of course, feeling better about life! Focusing on me is always the worst idea. Always.

Well, I had planned on talking about a new principle that I'm working on, but maybe instead I'll talk about what I've been listening to and watching. I hope it encourages you as much as it has me. None of the things I link to are mine, so don't break any laws with them, okay?

First of all, I watched a fabulous video from Joni & Friends. I have really grown to appreciate her over the last few years. I read her book, A Place of Healing, and I find her spirit and attitude just amazing. It is obvious how much she loves the Lord. Anyway, the video is about Chuck Colson's grandson, Max, who lives with autism. Mostly it highlights the joy he brings to his family, specifically his mom, Emily. The second half is about RC Sproul Jr's daughter Shannon who was born with a rare disease. The video is a few years old, and Shannon has since gone to be with Jesus. You can watch the video here.

I also watched this video of Todd Friel speaking on the subject of anxiety. So. Good. I tend to be an anxious person, over really stupid things. This video addressed several things I struggle with. It's a little over an hour, but worth every minute. Also go to youtube and check out Wretched TV. Todd knows what's up.

I just listened to this short little 2 part series by John MacArthur called If God's Will is so Important, Why Can't I Find It? This stuff is gold, people. I appreciate the ministry of John MacArthur so much. I love that he loves to preach the word of God, therefore, no matter how old a sermon might be, it is so relevant for today. The word of God always speaks to what we need, because it is living and active, my friends! 2 Timothy 3:16-17 says, "All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work."

Amen! The reproof and correction can be so painful, but we need it, and we will be equipped for every good work that God has preordained for us. I'm so thankful for that.

You can listen to all of MacArthur's sermons at gty.org, or there is also a GTY (Grace to You) app. I would like to encourage you to listen to sermons or pick up some of his books, or find another great Bible teacher to listen to throughout the week. It's easy to get caught up in fluff, especially for chronically ill people, because we want encouragement and to hear nice things, but even chronically ill people are in a battle. We need to be equipped with the word of God. I would also recommend some John Piper, David Platt, Erwin Lutzer, Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Ligonier ministries has some wonderful resources. Get into the meat of the word - you won't be disappointed!

Last, I'll share this video with you. It is the song High Noon by Andrew Peterson. I have been a fan of Andrew for so many years, and I especially loved his album Carried Along. I remember back in 2003 when Love and Thunder was released. I was young, and I was fairly disappointed with the album, because of the country feel of one of the songs (I am not a fan.), and then this song, High Noon. I thought it was so dorky. So I put that cd away for years. Well a couple of years ago I found it as I was going through my music, and popped it into the cd player in my car. I'm in love with this album. There are a few songs on it that I will just listen to over and over, and High Noon has become one of my favorites. For all I know, it's still a dorky song and I'm just a dork now, but I suspect it's because I appreciate the message of the song so much. Give it a listen.

Oh, and as long as we're talking about my favorites, Andrew also happens to be an author, besides being a talented songwriter. I just finished book 4 of his Wingfeather Saga. Think sort of Narnia epic, but better. If you like those kinds of books, that leave you feeling kind of physically hurt because of the bittersweetness, then I highly recommend these books. You can find his stuff at rabbitroom.com. No affiliate links here - there is another author with the same name who is not this one, so I don't want you to be confused. :)

Do you have some favorite, non-fluffy things? Please comment! Follow me on Facebook! Follow me on Pinterest! :)

 

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Just Thoughts

Hello, friends. As you may notice, I have not updated my blog in a while now. I've had a pretty tough couple of weeks, and I'm feeling very physically and emotionally raw. I have been debating whether or not just to give up the blog already. I don't say that because I'm looking for any encouragement - just being honest.

I've had a lot of thoughts flowing through my brain, but I am choosing not to write them out. I feel like anything I have to say is going to turn out sounding boo hoo, and I hate that! So, please be patient with me as I sort out my brain and make some decisions.

In order to not have a whiny poor me post, I thought I would share another hobby with you. For many years, I have enjoyed photography very much, and in the last year or so, I have been taking my own photos and editing them in all sorts of ways, and then putting a Bible verse on it. I've done several that are not particularly good, and then some that are fairly good. Here is one of my favorites:

I like it because it's one of my first drawings. If you ignore her goofy shaped arm, it's not bad. I like the scripty writing I chose for the verse, and I have had it as the lock screen on my phone as a reminder!

Since I've been feeling sort of frustrated and self centered, I've decided to do a whole series of scripture art, using verses from the Psalms. I plan to choose whatever verse particularly catches my attention, but I will go through each chapter in order. What better way to get over myself than to read and meditate on the precious truths found in the Psalms! So, here is my first one. It's not the best ever, but I love it, because it is a photograph I took, and then I used this cool overlay to make it look like a painting!

I never seem to get my photos lined up right. But I don't care. This is a verse we should all remember, every single day.

Until next time, my lovely readers - please take time to meditate on the word of God. It truly is a precious gift to us as believers!

 

 

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Sick Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Greetings, readers! Today's post is definitely going to be about dealing with health challenges. And by definitely, I mean sort of. I've spent most of my day getting ready for my toddler class that I teach at church tomorrow and getting ready for camp, so this will be less wordy. I think. Yay for you!

I've been thinking about this lately because I tend to get bogged down in the stuff of life. I feel guilty and frustrated when I have sick days, and so I try to compensate by putting myself on a schedule, or trying to be disciplined about doing "important" things. Now, don't get me wrong, discipline is a good thing. And we all need some structure in our lives. But I allow it to trump everything, so I end up doing doing doing, then getting sick sick sick. It's a stupid cycle.

People who suffer from chronic illness have a hard time with having fun the way we used to. Sometimes our bodies don't work the way we want them to. Sometimes we're too tired. Sometimes we're too mentally tired. But I think we should make whatever effort we can to do things that we enjoy.

I think hobbies are an important thing for the person who is chronically ill. Having a hobby can give us a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, and when you choose the right ones for you, they can be super fun! Remember that your abilities might be limited, so choose something challenging but not frustratingly so, and remember to give yourself some grace! It doesn't have to be perfect to be enjoyable.

I am a very creative and artistic person, though I don't consider myself to be an artist. I love music, and I enjoy playing instruments, although I admit it is something I have neglected, especially since I had surgery. I am planning on incorporating music into my life again soon. I used to play the flute and for years I played nearly every day, but then I stopped, because I wasn't playing for people anymore. But I realize now that doesn't matter - I enjoy it for the sake of doing it, so it doesn't need to be for other people. And I really love to play hymns, so it's an excellent way to worship God and reflect on the words of the hymns as I play!

My latest creative hobby has been drawing and painting. I love it! I'm not a bit good at it, but I don't care. I find that it is something I particularly enjoy doing at night when I am by myself - I usually use a photo or something as inspiration, or I will look on the internet for some instruction when I don't know how to do it. And I can use my lap desk and sit on my bed, all cozy with the heating pad and an audiobook. Crazy times, I tell ya. Anyway, there are so many ways we can be creative, even with limited abilities.

What about you? Do you have a musical instrument you could dust off and play, simply for the pleasure of making music? What other ways do you express your creativity, and what hobbies do you enjoy the most? Please share with me in the comments, or follow me on Facebook, and let's have a conversation!

 

Here is a drawing of mine: I will share it with you, so you can see you don't have to be a great artist to enjoy making art!

 

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Unmasked, For Real

Good Thursday, mateys! Oh how the week flies by. Next week, I am heading off to church camp for the first time in my sheltered little life. I have been spending the majority of my time getting crafts ready for the church kiddos to do. Once I get back from that, hopefully I'll have more time and brain matter to devote to this fascinating little blog.

I'm super nervous about going to camp! I'm a little bit of a social weirdo. Remember that whole "sorry, I'm awkward" thing? Uh huh. But I'm mostly concerned about my health holding up. As I mentioned before, I am pretty open about letting people know about my health, and when I say open, I mean that I have to awkwardly explain why I don't have a typical job. I don't go into a lot of details or explanation. Even though I regularly tell people I have issues, I still act like I don't. Usually, by about 4 in the afternoon, I am so tired and in so much pain. But I'll still go to Bible study or wherever, and pretend I'm completely fine. Except for the nights I don't go because I'm less fine than usual...so I'm sure everyone just thinks I'm fine most of the time. Sorry, I'm awkward. Seriously, I drive myself crazy. I feel like there's a fine line between being real and being whiny. I guess I like to err on the side of caution. I do this no matter where I go, too. Like, I'll be feeling like I'm going to die, and need to go to the store, and I'll just walk around that store like a totally healthy person. Why do I do this? It's partly pride and partly habit. I just don't even think to not wear a mask. I just do it. And then I'm in even more pain than before. So, that's what I'm nervous about with camp.

I try to avoid situations that make me want to crawl in a hole uncomfortable, which turns out being really stupid. Here's how it works:

Random person: Hey, *insert activity here* would be fun! We should do it sometime!

Me: Yeah, that would be totally fun! (note to reader: I mean it sincerely)

My brain: I think I just died a little.

*Activity is tentatively planned*

My brain: What were you thinking?! This is NOT going to be fun! It's going to hurt! You're going to get low blood sugar! You always do when you are stressed. Remember?! *goes on and on about all the things that will be bad, disrupts my sleep*

Me: What was I thinking? Of course my brain is right. *Activity* would be fun if I wasn't sick all the time. But I am sick all the time! Now what?

My mom: Duh. What am I always trying to tell you?

Me: Uhhh...*activity* isn't going to be able to happen.

 

You don't know how many times this has played out. The problem is, quite often, I am genuinely too sick to do something, and not just backing out because of the scenarios running through my head. And I know that Random Person very likely thinks that I am just backing out because of my awkward introverted nature. See, Random Person doesn't know all of the things I struggle with, because I'm always wearing the mask. They just know about the awkward me. That means that when I am genuinely sick, Random Person doesn't know it. If you read my last post, you know that I'm working on not caring about what other people think about me, because it doesn't matter. But flaking out and hurting Random Person's feelings is not okay. As I said, there is a fine line between being real and being whiny.

I have nothing to whine about because Jesus is my Savior, and God graciously ordains every circumstance of my day! Even when I'm sick, it must be part of His plan. But I do need to be real. I need to let people know when something is too much for me. I need to let people know when I need help, or when I need a break. But that's not just for my sake, it's for the sake of my family, friends, and acquaintances too. Even though it's hard for me to believe, people want to be a part of my life as much as I want to be a part of theirs.

 

My new friend Shelly over at Reneweddaily.com is doing a series on the cost of pride. It's been a great read, and touches on things I have blogged about. You should check it out, and if you have a friend who suffers from chronic illness, please recommend this blog and Shelly's blog!

 

Do you hide your struggles from others? Please leave a comment. Oh, and as you can see, I now have a button so you can follow my page on Facebook, and you can follow me on Pinterest! I have a board on Pinterest devoted to chronic illness, but I pin many other things as well. I'm sorry in advance for my silly sense of humor. Sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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