Let's Talk About Acceptance

Typically, I will ramble on about what is foremost in my mind. Lately, it is acceptance. Of myself, and my illness.
In my last post, Longer Intro (don't be jealous of my catchy titles), I shared a little of my story. It was ridiculously hard for me to do, because even after all this time, I have a hard time accepting my situation. I am constantly coming up with new schemes that will make me all better. All. The. Time.
Something happened last week that caused me to have somewhat of a revelation. I know that my obsessive thinking and scheming is not healthy. And there was a time when I was in a much worse place than I am now. The scheming didn't just take up a large chunk of my time. It consumed my life - to the point that my already seriously compromised health was even worse, to the point that I was becoming judgmental about the people around me because they were not health conscious as I was. To the point that I didn't read my Bible - there's no time for that when you are pouring over books and blogs. To the point that I couldn't pray, because I knew I was in sin and I was wrong. I was a wreck. You wouldn't know it by looking at me, but I am way less of a wreck now. But for whatever reason, I have trouble accepting that I'm sick.

So, back to my revelation. I feel like I have been waiting for my life to begin, ever since I got sick. On a side note, every time I think about it, that song from Tangled DOES play in my head. Ahem. I usually tell myself that I obsess and scheme because I want to be healthier, so I can be a better servant. Those are admirable and somewhat true, but the biggest reason, is of course not a good reason, and it is pride. Again. Always. Dear reader, if you (and I) stick with this blog, you will learn what a hideous person I really am. After all these years, I still envision the future me as being a perfectly healthy, strong, independent woman. That is so not likely to happen. Our culture tells us that's bad, but really it's not. I may spend the rest of my life depending on my family - not only financially - and it is okay. They depend on me for things, too. I just need to get that through to myself. I am not a lesser person because of my illness. I pray for God's will in my life. And somehow, I doubt that it is going to cater to my sin of pride.
I still haven't gotten to the revelation. Lately, I have been struggling more than usual. I experience pain that is so terrible, I can't stand up straight. Sometimes when I move, I gasp involuntarily. Sometimes, the best I can do, is make it from my bed to the living room. I have been having balance issues. This past week, I grabbed the cane out of my closet. I used it after I had surgery to help me stand up. I have used it a little bit around the house this week - mostly to help when I stand up, so I don't experience as much searing pain, and a little bit to walk up and down stairs.
I hate that cane. I hate everything it represents, and I hate using it. I like that it helps me, and yet, I hate it more than I can say.
Okay, revelation. Are my scheming and pride holding me back? Instead of waiting for that future me to emerge, should I be accepting my life, as is, right now? If I let go of my pride, and use a cane when I need to, or sit down when I need to when everyone else is standing, or if I begin to be open and honest about my struggles, what might change? (I fool myself a lot here, because I am pretty open with people about the fact that I have health issues. However, I usually don't talk about exactly what they are, or how severe they are.) Here and now, instead of some future time, could I be living more life?
That was the revelation, in case you missed it.

In my mind, ONLY for me, if I use "living aids" as they are sometimes called, to get me through, I am weak. I am embarrassed, because I do not have a visible illness. People will think I'm lazy and faking it. Guess what? People will probably think that. And guess what? It doesn't matter. As a child of the most high God, my job is to glorify Him, and enjoy Him forever. That's the best job description I've ever heard, by the way.

Could I do a better job of taking care of myself? Absolutely. But the reality is that even if I took perfect care of my body, it is still going to be damaged. That is my life. It does not give me an excuse to not try to take care of myself. But if I spent less time hiding the facts about my life and illness, would I be able to do a better job of what God is asking me to do? I want to live my life. I think it is going to mean letting go of my stinky rotten pride. Using help when I need it. How much more will I be able to live, when I stop trying to be too strong? I don't know about you, but I wear myself out all the time. I push and push myself until I crash, and then I'm even more tired and exhausted than usual. And then I miss out. I'm tired of missing out.
Even if you do not struggle with illness, I think we might all have some rotten pride build up we can get rid of, by the grace of God. And probably some things to accept. And if you are reading this and are not experiencing illness, I hope it serves as a reminder to have some grace. You might not know what a person is really going through.
Now I'm going to go brush and brush and brush and brush my hair. Not really. But did you catch that?
Please share and help me gain some readers!

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