I'm baaaack......?!?

I gave up on my blog a few months ago, but tonight, I'm feeling the urge to write again. It will likely turn out a sloppy, incoherent mess as usual, but we'll give it a go.

The last time I blogged, I was feeling really cruddy. One of those cruddy cycles that we sickos tend to go through. Since then I've gone through a LOT and my motives for blogging have changed quite a bit, so I don't know how consistently I will write.

Anyway, back toward the end of summer, as I said, I was feeling lousy, and I was having a harder than usual time dealing with it. Normally, I'm pretty stable emotionally, but I just felt rotten and almost unhappy in general. I do not tend toward depression. It's hard to describe how I felt, but I think it felt almost like "seasonal affective disorder" feels - when it's been winter forever and you are desperate in your mind for some sun and spring. Not horribly depressed like some people get but almost like a caged feeling. It was summer and I was getting plenty of sun and outdoorsy stuff, but it's the only similar feeling I can think of. That was the "feeling" side of it, and then physically I was so much more exhausted than usual. (Besides of all of the mess I'm about to write about, I have been diagnosed with chronic migraines, which probably helps explain a little of why I felt so extra bad for a while there!)

So, I had noticed I was having some issues with my vision. I let it go for about 6 weeks and tried treating it myself because I thought it was just symptoms of allergies or something, but when it continued to worsen, I got my eyes checked. Turned out it was a fairly serious issue, but I wasn't too concerned. Treatment should have been pretty straight forward. The hardest part in the beginning was dealing with my own feelings of inadequacy - once again being too ill to do the things I want to do and feel I need to do, having to rely on others for help. Same old stuff. Unfortunately, I had a terrible reaction to the medication I was given, and I was a wreck. I mean, total wreck. I won't go into everything because it would take forever, but basically I was unable to walk without a cane and help, shaking uncontrollably, exhausted beyond belief, etc. And finding out that this could be my new normal. (Once the doctor finally understood the medication was making me worse instead of better, he switched me to a new one and I'm doing MUCH better, though not nearly back to my old self) I was desperately clinging to God and His faithfulness, but struggled with bouts of anger. I've spent my entire adult life fighting with my health, and now this. Really?

Because just before this happened, I was done. I was determined that I was done being sick all the time. I was going to get through my latest cycle of exhaustion and yuck, and things were going to change. Because my self worth comes from my ability to work hard, and that's what I was going to do, because I was tired of looking like a loser. Me me me me me me me me me me. Ugh, disgusting, right? I know.

I didn't actually say any of those things, of course, because they sound stupid and self absorbed, but I now see that the things I was telling myself were pathetic excuses for all the me things going on inside my head.

This is a very condensed version of my story. My friends who are sick to death of hearing about me could tell you that. It's been a months long process, and will continue for probably many more months.

It's nearly the new year, and I am not a person who makes resolutions. I find them to be annoying and frustrating. However, it just so happens that my latest health crisis is stabilizing somewhat right around the new year, so I am thinking about new ways of doing things and making some changes. I think most of these thoughts can apply to anyone.

First, my situation became so much easier once I developed gratitude for it. I have been through a lot in my life. I have been through incredible pain. For me, it is never easy to give thanks in all circumstances. Now, over the years, it has become easier to be thankful, but it is a choice I always have to purposefully make. So when this all started for me, even though I knew immediately that it would be extremely expensive for my family, and getting the medical care I need would be complicated, I thanked God that He was going to take care of it, in whatever way was best. Maybe not my way, but the best way. But as I said, I have had times of being angry, or feeling sorry for myself. Because it's been so hard. I've been sick, and in pain, and inconvenienced, and my façade has been stripped away and my pride has been damaged. I've had to travel to a dumpy clinic to see a doctor that has a harsh personality. I don't like it. I could not stop complaining about it. Then I was reading through Philippians - I actually just read through it over and over for several days in a row - and I thought what do I have to complain about?! I am still struggling with the complaining - it's a nasty part of my personality - but I started thanking God for everything. For having to go to that dumpy clinic and see that crabby doctor. I don't know exactly what His purposes are, but they're a lot better and smarter than mine. Now, last month, besides the dumpy clinic, I got to take 3 trips to the hospital. So, I went out and bought some little goodies like gum and trail mix and whatever, and I put together a huge bunch of little bags full of treats, along with a gospel tract from Living Waters, and a DVD with a fabulous gospel presentation from Wretched. I handed them out at the hospital and the clinic, and told them that I appreciate how well they have cared for me. That means that a whole lot of people got a gospel message and a little appreciation who probably would not have gotten it, if I had not been so sick. I got to talk to a woman who was terrified of having an MRI and pray for her. That wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had to have another MRI that I was so annoyed about having done. So, I began thanking God for what I was going through, and after that, He began showing me the little joys that I could have if I would just stop being such a brat. It hasn't made it any less painful or fun, but it always amazes me how He gives me so many good things if I will just stop fighting and accept them!

Second, I am not making any resolutions, but today, I feel hopeful about the coming year. I used to hope and pray for a "better" year than the previous one. At times I have jokingly thought that it can't get any worse than it was last year. Well that is never true and it's not something to joke about, really. I had a pretty difficult year a few years ago, and the next year broke my heart. So, it's a stupid thing to say or joke about. It will be whatever God wants it to be, and if it needs to be painful in order to sanctify me, then so be it.

For the past four or five years, I dream of finding that miracle supplement or whatever that will make me feel all better. I'll be full of energy, go to work 30 hours a week, help my family pay off bills, whatever whatever whatever. This year - okay, at least today, right now, while I'm remembering it - I want peace in my heart. I want to not be striving to be what I feel I should be (that independent, doesn't need help woman), but striving to be what God wants me to be. I have always been irritated by language like that, because it sounds so all about me, probably because it usually is. But what I mean is that - whatever my circumstances - healthy, not healthy, financially stable or not, WHATEVER, I must be content. My near future, which involves more doctor visits, tests, pain, inconvenience, cannot define my joy or my gratitude, or my contentment. I feel like a loser a lot of the time, because I am just not able to do the things I want to do, but then at times God gives me so much joy over the tiny little things. Why am I constantly fretting over the things I can't do, when He gives me so many gifts?! It's ridiculous. My number one goal for the coming year is not to feel better, or gain energy, or read my Bible or theology books more, or to recover from this health crisis, or help my family pay off bills, or keep a cleaner house, or work hard so I can feel good about me. My number one goal is to enjoy the Lord. Whatever is happening. That's got to make for a pretty good year.

So, that was a lot of words. Basically to kind of catch people up a little on what has happened in recent months, and I really want to encourage everyone to be mindful this coming year about being grateful for every little thing, even the hard stuff. Because even the hard stuff is good stuff, if you love God. Romans 8:28, don'tcha know.

 

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A Few of My Favorite Things....

Greetings, readers! I'm still giving this a go, for now. I have been really immersing myself in some extra solid teaching for the last few days, and of course, feeling better about life! Focusing on me is always the worst idea. Always.

Well, I had planned on talking about a new principle that I'm working on, but maybe instead I'll talk about what I've been listening to and watching. I hope it encourages you as much as it has me. None of the things I link to are mine, so don't break any laws with them, okay?

First of all, I watched a fabulous video from Joni & Friends. I have really grown to appreciate her over the last few years. I read her book, A Place of Healing, and I find her spirit and attitude just amazing. It is obvious how much she loves the Lord. Anyway, the video is about Chuck Colson's grandson, Max, who lives with autism. Mostly it highlights the joy he brings to his family, specifically his mom, Emily. The second half is about RC Sproul Jr's daughter Shannon who was born with a rare disease. The video is a few years old, and Shannon has since gone to be with Jesus. You can watch the video here.

I also watched this video of Todd Friel speaking on the subject of anxiety. So. Good. I tend to be an anxious person, over really stupid things. This video addressed several things I struggle with. It's a little over an hour, but worth every minute. Also go to youtube and check out Wretched TV. Todd knows what's up.

I just listened to this short little 2 part series by John MacArthur called If God's Will is so Important, Why Can't I Find It? This stuff is gold, people. I appreciate the ministry of John MacArthur so much. I love that he loves to preach the word of God, therefore, no matter how old a sermon might be, it is so relevant for today. The word of God always speaks to what we need, because it is living and active, my friends! 2 Timothy 3:16-17 says, "All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work."

Amen! The reproof and correction can be so painful, but we need it, and we will be equipped for every good work that God has preordained for us. I'm so thankful for that.

You can listen to all of MacArthur's sermons at gty.org, or there is also a GTY (Grace to You) app. I would like to encourage you to listen to sermons or pick up some of his books, or find another great Bible teacher to listen to throughout the week. It's easy to get caught up in fluff, especially for chronically ill people, because we want encouragement and to hear nice things, but even chronically ill people are in a battle. We need to be equipped with the word of God. I would also recommend some John Piper, David Platt, Erwin Lutzer, Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Ligonier ministries has some wonderful resources. Get into the meat of the word - you won't be disappointed!

Last, I'll share this video with you. It is the song High Noon by Andrew Peterson. I have been a fan of Andrew for so many years, and I especially loved his album Carried Along. I remember back in 2003 when Love and Thunder was released. I was young, and I was fairly disappointed with the album, because of the country feel of one of the songs (I am not a fan.), and then this song, High Noon. I thought it was so dorky. So I put that cd away for years. Well a couple of years ago I found it as I was going through my music, and popped it into the cd player in my car. I'm in love with this album. There are a few songs on it that I will just listen to over and over, and High Noon has become one of my favorites. For all I know, it's still a dorky song and I'm just a dork now, but I suspect it's because I appreciate the message of the song so much. Give it a listen.

Oh, and as long as we're talking about my favorites, Andrew also happens to be an author, besides being a talented songwriter. I just finished book 4 of his Wingfeather Saga. Think sort of Narnia epic, but better. If you like those kinds of books, that leave you feeling kind of physically hurt because of the bittersweetness, then I highly recommend these books. You can find his stuff at rabbitroom.com. No affiliate links here - there is another author with the same name who is not this one, so I don't want you to be confused. :)

Do you have some favorite, non-fluffy things? Please comment! Follow me on Facebook! Follow me on Pinterest! :)

 

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Just Thoughts

Hello, friends. As you may notice, I have not updated my blog in a while now. I've had a pretty tough couple of weeks, and I'm feeling very physically and emotionally raw. I have been debating whether or not just to give up the blog already. I don't say that because I'm looking for any encouragement - just being honest.

I've had a lot of thoughts flowing through my brain, but I am choosing not to write them out. I feel like anything I have to say is going to turn out sounding boo hoo, and I hate that! So, please be patient with me as I sort out my brain and make some decisions.

In order to not have a whiny poor me post, I thought I would share another hobby with you. For many years, I have enjoyed photography very much, and in the last year or so, I have been taking my own photos and editing them in all sorts of ways, and then putting a Bible verse on it. I've done several that are not particularly good, and then some that are fairly good. Here is one of my favorites:

I like it because it's one of my first drawings. If you ignore her goofy shaped arm, it's not bad. I like the scripty writing I chose for the verse, and I have had it as the lock screen on my phone as a reminder!

Since I've been feeling sort of frustrated and self centered, I've decided to do a whole series of scripture art, using verses from the Psalms. I plan to choose whatever verse particularly catches my attention, but I will go through each chapter in order. What better way to get over myself than to read and meditate on the precious truths found in the Psalms! So, here is my first one. It's not the best ever, but I love it, because it is a photograph I took, and then I used this cool overlay to make it look like a painting!

I never seem to get my photos lined up right. But I don't care. This is a verse we should all remember, every single day.

Until next time, my lovely readers - please take time to meditate on the word of God. It truly is a precious gift to us as believers!

 

 

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Sick Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Greetings, readers! Today's post is definitely going to be about dealing with health challenges. And by definitely, I mean sort of. I've spent most of my day getting ready for my toddler class that I teach at church tomorrow and getting ready for camp, so this will be less wordy. I think. Yay for you!

I've been thinking about this lately because I tend to get bogged down in the stuff of life. I feel guilty and frustrated when I have sick days, and so I try to compensate by putting myself on a schedule, or trying to be disciplined about doing "important" things. Now, don't get me wrong, discipline is a good thing. And we all need some structure in our lives. But I allow it to trump everything, so I end up doing doing doing, then getting sick sick sick. It's a stupid cycle.

People who suffer from chronic illness have a hard time with having fun the way we used to. Sometimes our bodies don't work the way we want them to. Sometimes we're too tired. Sometimes we're too mentally tired. But I think we should make whatever effort we can to do things that we enjoy.

I think hobbies are an important thing for the person who is chronically ill. Having a hobby can give us a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, and when you choose the right ones for you, they can be super fun! Remember that your abilities might be limited, so choose something challenging but not frustratingly so, and remember to give yourself some grace! It doesn't have to be perfect to be enjoyable.

I am a very creative and artistic person, though I don't consider myself to be an artist. I love music, and I enjoy playing instruments, although I admit it is something I have neglected, especially since I had surgery. I am planning on incorporating music into my life again soon. I used to play the flute and for years I played nearly every day, but then I stopped, because I wasn't playing for people anymore. But I realize now that doesn't matter - I enjoy it for the sake of doing it, so it doesn't need to be for other people. And I really love to play hymns, so it's an excellent way to worship God and reflect on the words of the hymns as I play!

My latest creative hobby has been drawing and painting. I love it! I'm not a bit good at it, but I don't care. I find that it is something I particularly enjoy doing at night when I am by myself - I usually use a photo or something as inspiration, or I will look on the internet for some instruction when I don't know how to do it. And I can use my lap desk and sit on my bed, all cozy with the heating pad and an audiobook. Crazy times, I tell ya. Anyway, there are so many ways we can be creative, even with limited abilities.

What about you? Do you have a musical instrument you could dust off and play, simply for the pleasure of making music? What other ways do you express your creativity, and what hobbies do you enjoy the most? Please share with me in the comments, or follow me on Facebook, and let's have a conversation!

 

Here is a drawing of mine: I will share it with you, so you can see you don't have to be a great artist to enjoy making art!

 

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Unmasked, For Real

Good Thursday, mateys! Oh how the week flies by. Next week, I am heading off to church camp for the first time in my sheltered little life. I have been spending the majority of my time getting crafts ready for the church kiddos to do. Once I get back from that, hopefully I'll have more time and brain matter to devote to this fascinating little blog.

I'm super nervous about going to camp! I'm a little bit of a social weirdo. Remember that whole "sorry, I'm awkward" thing? Uh huh. But I'm mostly concerned about my health holding up. As I mentioned before, I am pretty open about letting people know about my health, and when I say open, I mean that I have to awkwardly explain why I don't have a typical job. I don't go into a lot of details or explanation. Even though I regularly tell people I have issues, I still act like I don't. Usually, by about 4 in the afternoon, I am so tired and in so much pain. But I'll still go to Bible study or wherever, and pretend I'm completely fine. Except for the nights I don't go because I'm less fine than usual...so I'm sure everyone just thinks I'm fine most of the time. Sorry, I'm awkward. Seriously, I drive myself crazy. I feel like there's a fine line between being real and being whiny. I guess I like to err on the side of caution. I do this no matter where I go, too. Like, I'll be feeling like I'm going to die, and need to go to the store, and I'll just walk around that store like a totally healthy person. Why do I do this? It's partly pride and partly habit. I just don't even think to not wear a mask. I just do it. And then I'm in even more pain than before. So, that's what I'm nervous about with camp.

I try to avoid situations that make me want to crawl in a hole uncomfortable, which turns out being really stupid. Here's how it works:

Random person: Hey, *insert activity here* would be fun! We should do it sometime!

Me: Yeah, that would be totally fun! (note to reader: I mean it sincerely)

My brain: I think I just died a little.

*Activity is tentatively planned*

My brain: What were you thinking?! This is NOT going to be fun! It's going to hurt! You're going to get low blood sugar! You always do when you are stressed. Remember?! *goes on and on about all the things that will be bad, disrupts my sleep*

Me: What was I thinking? Of course my brain is right. *Activity* would be fun if I wasn't sick all the time. But I am sick all the time! Now what?

My mom: Duh. What am I always trying to tell you?

Me: Uhhh...*activity* isn't going to be able to happen.

 

You don't know how many times this has played out. The problem is, quite often, I am genuinely too sick to do something, and not just backing out because of the scenarios running through my head. And I know that Random Person very likely thinks that I am just backing out because of my awkward introverted nature. See, Random Person doesn't know all of the things I struggle with, because I'm always wearing the mask. They just know about the awkward me. That means that when I am genuinely sick, Random Person doesn't know it. If you read my last post, you know that I'm working on not caring about what other people think about me, because it doesn't matter. But flaking out and hurting Random Person's feelings is not okay. As I said, there is a fine line between being real and being whiny.

I have nothing to whine about because Jesus is my Savior, and God graciously ordains every circumstance of my day! Even when I'm sick, it must be part of His plan. But I do need to be real. I need to let people know when something is too much for me. I need to let people know when I need help, or when I need a break. But that's not just for my sake, it's for the sake of my family, friends, and acquaintances too. Even though it's hard for me to believe, people want to be a part of my life as much as I want to be a part of theirs.

 

My new friend Shelly over at Reneweddaily.com is doing a series on the cost of pride. It's been a great read, and touches on things I have blogged about. You should check it out, and if you have a friend who suffers from chronic illness, please recommend this blog and Shelly's blog!

 

Do you hide your struggles from others? Please leave a comment. Oh, and as you can see, I now have a button so you can follow my page on Facebook, and you can follow me on Pinterest! I have a board on Pinterest devoted to chronic illness, but I pin many other things as well. I'm sorry in advance for my silly sense of humor. Sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hello, I'm Fat

Looks like I've neglected my blog for about a week now! I'll work on doing better about that. Because I know you were just waiting for a new post. Ahem.

I hate the way I look in photos. Truly. I see them, and I think is that how I look all the time? Then I shudder and throw up in my mouth a little. It's why I haven't posted a photo of myself on here.

Have I mentioned that 3 weeks ago, my sweet little niece was born? No? That's because it's another post. Gotta have something to talk about, don'tcha know. For now, I'll just tell you, I am crazy about that girl. I don't have children of my own, so being an aunt to my 3 nieces and 1 nephew is the best thing ever.

I got to be there the day my friend Lisa did her newborn photo shoot. It was fun. Until I had Lisa take some photos of me. That was less fun. We had already discussed it, but that didn't help me like it more.

I wanted it done for a couple of reasons. First, I'm nosy, and I want to know what people look like. Second, because I am guilty over and over and over of the sin of pride. What better way to work through that than to have your picture taken, right?

See, I didn't used to be fat like this. A few years ago, I went through a period of time where I lost a lot of weight and was quite thin. I've always been one of those women that you would call 'big boned'. I'm a bigger girl, but when I lost the weight, I was thinner than I had ever been. All my bones were sticking out, and my clothes became baggier and baggier on me.

And when I lost the weight, I was not eating. I was working out too much. I was on purpose avoiding entire food groups. It started out that I was so sick, I was desperate for anything that would make me feel better. But as I continued losing, I enjoyed all the compliments. I was surrounded by people who would tell me all the time how pretty I was since I was thin. I even remember someone who said, "You're wasting away before my very eyes! It looks so good on you!" 'Wasting away' doesn't sound very healthy, does it? But you know how when someone says something to you, you never unhear it? Someone else once told me that I was masculine because I was bigger. Now, I love being a girl. I love all things girly, so that statement hurt me a lot. The person who said it was not trying to be hurtful, but it has been well over 10 years since it happened, and I still remember it. That person also could not have known that when I was a little girl, a family member whom I was close to made fun of me and told me all the reasons I was boyish. This was an adult family member, by the way.

Anyway, 'wasting away' sounded pretty good to me. I was well on my way to a full blown eating disorder. I had surgery during this time. Because I was terrified of gaining weight because of inactivity, and because of bad nutrition advice from a doctor, I began to restrict my diet even more after surgery. I ended up losing something like 22 pounds (that I did not need to lose) in 9 days. I was having all kinds of complications after surgery. In total desperation, I started eating some of the things I was restricting. And I started feeling so. Much. Better. Seriously. Now, I'll repeat once again that this is not a health blog. So I don't want to go into diet and what is healthy and what is not. It's not my purpose. Suffice it to say, I have gained weight again.

I spent an entire year feeling terribly guilty because I got fat. I felt like I failed myself. Even though my body was functioning better than it had in a couple of years. And I spent the whole year avoiding almost all of the people that I knew. The only people I spent any time with were my family. I remember the first time I finally had to see someone I knew outside of my little safe zone. I felt humiliated.

At this point in this post, I'm struggling a little. Because the prideful part of me wants to explain some things to you, that don't need to be explained. It would only be to defend my pride. On the other hand, the reason I blog is to hopefully be a help to someone who is reading this. So...I guess I will just say that I spent a lot of time doing a lot of research, and I found some resources like Health At Every Size to be helpful.

Moving on....I don't remember when I had the realization, but it went something like this: was I better off when I was abusing my body, obsessing over food and workout programs, just for the sake of looking better than I am now? Back then, my time and thoughts were literally consumed by my diet. I rarely read the Bible, I didn't go to church, I rarely prayed. I couldn't enjoy time spent with my family.

Ugh. This is a hard post for me to write. I want so desperately to give you all the reasons why I'm better off now. But I won't. Yes, I need to exercise more. But I'm done obsessing over food forever, by the grace of God.

Back there when I said I was humiliated....I now know the experience was not meant to be humiliating, but humbling. God isn't a big meanie, waiting to cause painful circumstances in order to teach us a lesson. But He will ordain a painful circumstance in order to sanctify us.

These days, many Christians have turned food into a spiritual issue. Yes, it is a sin to abuse your body. Gluttony is a sin. There are a lot of things having to do with food that can be sin. But they are not necessarily inherently sin. Food itself is not spiritual. I have often felt frustrated and judged when reading blogs or listening to Christian radio because of the shaming that goes on.

 

But the fact is, it doesn't matter what you think of me. And when I shudder and gag over photos of me, I'm sinning. It has nothing to do with low self esteem, as many people would say. It has everything to do with me thinking so much of myself that I would care what other people are thinking about me. It has everything to do with me not making Jesus the center of every minute of every day.

Is it wrong to want to look nice? Nope. I think God gave us a sense of, and a desire for beauty. 1 Peter says to "let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

When I am looking in the mirror to put on my makeup, or wrestle flower clips out of my hair (Don't ask. I thought I was going to have to cut it out of my hair like a wad of gum.), instead of focusing on my imperfect skin or double chin, I want to focus on Jesus. Too often I spend time criticizing myself, and no time praying for persecuted Christians. Too often I focus on everything that is ugly about me, instead of everything beautiful about Jesus.

Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Wow!!!

Do you see all your imperfections in photographs? Do you groan every time someone points a camera at you? Do you, like me, constantly feel like you need to defend yourself to other people, because of your appearance? Illness can alter our appearances. I pray we will see the beauty of Jesus. That we will thank God for the bodies He has given us. That we will not obsess over health for the sake of looking good to others. That we will love the word of God, and preach the gospel. Praise Jesus!

 

Thank you, Lisa Carey Photography for taking my photos.

 

Don't forget to comment! ;)

 

I'm sharing this post on: Sharing His Beauty @ The Beauty in His Grip, Monday's Musings @ What Joy Is Mine, and Chronicles of Grace

 

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Confessions of a Church Skipper and Hopper

Happy Monday, folks! This will probably turn out to be a pretty wordy post, but please read to the end, otherwise you will miss what I really want to say. Today I want to talk about church. I actually attempted this two nights ago, only to go to bed feeling mildly frustrated that I couldn't gather my thoughts enough for them to make any sense. I think that since I just went to church yesterday, the ideas I want to express are so fresh in my mind, it should work out better. God always knows what He is doing, doesn't He? He gives us what we need, when we need it, and not before.

I like 1 John 1:9 - if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Sweet. Of course, James 5:16 tells us to confess our sins to each other and pray for each other. Bummer. Isn't it easier just to confess our sins to God? Confessing to one another can damage our reputations.

As you can see from my title, this is somewhat of a confession. Yes, I was formerly a church skipper, then a church hopper. My prideful self - yes, there it is again - does not want to talk about this. Of course, I want everyone to believe that I have it all together. I've been attending church since I was a little girl, and I love Jesus. So, I have a lot of experience at this, and I can talk a good game, if that's what I want to do. Not good.

I spent a good majority of time - a couple of years - rarely attending church. I had been a member of a church for quite a while, but over the years, I began learning on my own about theology and doctrine, and I came to disagree quite a lot with what my church taught. I attended small groups and Bible studies here and there, and was always told it was fine to not attend church, as long as I was hanging out with believers. So, that's what I did. Hey, I haven't even been to Bible study for a month, but sure, I'll go to a movie with you guys. I need to be hanging out with fellow believers, right? Why did I need to go to church, when I was reading my Bible and listening to podcasts at home, getting the teaching that I craved, and wasn't receiving at church?

I continued only going to church once in a while, and I might go on Easter or Christmas or something. I remember thinking all the time that I needed to go to church, but then talking myself out of it. I was tired. I never learned anything there anyway.

Then, a pretty major crisis occured in my family. I needed help. I turned to the church for the guidance I was seeking, and was pretty much turned away. How dare they! I had been a member for years. Without God's sovereign hand in my life, I probably would have become very bitter against the church as a whole. I was pretty angry. But I was desperate for some kind of help. So, I left that church for good, and found another. They were willing and eager to help me. I attended there for a while, but they were going through some big changes, and I balked as soon as I perceived they were becoming very much like the church I had just left. No problem. I had found a Bible study there and just went to that instead of church. It suited me pretty well. I still didn't have to get up early on a Sunday for church, but I was back in fellowship. I didn't actually do my weekly lessons, but I made friends and spent lots of time with them.

Until they abandoned me. I had been going to the Bible study for nearly a year, and we had taken a little break during the summer. During that time, they all decided to disband the Bible study. And didn't tell me. I found out about 2 months later, right before it was supposed to start back up.

Well, I was angry again. And totally without fellowship, again. Remind me again - why do I need to go to church, when I'll just end up being treated like dirt?

Long story, I know. I wanted to just totally give up on church altogether, but ever since that crisis period, I knew I needed to be in some kind of fellowship. When that had happened, I quickly realized I had very few friends. And the couple of close friends I did have were not able to give me the help I needed. They loved me through it, but they have their own families and lives. So, I began researching churches in my area. My prevailing thought was that I needed a support system. I had long since given up on the idea that I would find a church with teaching that was in line with what I believe in - which is reformed theology. I was just hopeful to find a church with nice people.

After a lot of searching, and church hopping (there's the other part of my confession) I landed where I am now. Okay, I didn't land there. God placed me there. It definitely feels like family to me. In an awkward sense, of course, because I'm super weird. Have you seen that t-shirt that says, "Sorry, I'm awkward. Sorry."? It makes me laugh so much, because it's 100% me. I've been attending this church for 8 months now, and I feel totally at home, and totally like a newbie. But really, it's because I'm weird. The church is great. Excellent teaching, fabulous, kind people. I love everything about it. I feel so humbled that God has placed me there!

I'm about to get to the point of the story here, so if you've just been skimming through that mess of words up there, here is where you want to pay attention. I love my church. I'm excited to go to church on Sundays. I'm getting involved, doing some volunteering, and for the first time in so many years, I look forward to doing these things. But this is not about how great my church is, and it's not about finding the perfect church. It never had to do with me finding the right church. It has nothing to do with my former church, which I felt at the time had treated me unfairly. When I consider what Jesus has done for me, what right do I have to be offended when every little thing doesn't go my way? It had and has to do with my heart. I disagreed with the teaching at my former church, but that wasn't the reason I left. I had a disobedient heart. I suspect that if I had attended church faithfully as I should have, my journey to the church I'm in now would have been much less painful. During my time of church skippage and hoppage, I knew in my heart that I was wrong, despite all of my justifying and rationalizing. My heart was turned toward myself - church wasn't doing anything for me. Well, church isn't about me. It's about being obedient to the Lord Jesus. Hebrews 10:25 tells us not to neglect meeting together. And it's not talking about showing up at a Bible study here and there and going to movies and out to lunch with other Christians.

God is so gracious to me. He placed that crisis in my life in order to teach me some hard lessons. It was a painful time, but I would never wish I could change it - it has made me a different person, and I know I am being sanctified through the hard times. Thank you, Lord!

It's easy to become complacent about church attendance, especially when you suffer with an illness or disability, but it is my prayer that we will all make it a priority. God has designed us to be in fellowship, and we need it even more when we deal with hardships. If you are not in a church, I pray that you would make every effort to be there! I know that many people are home-bound, but I also know how easy it was for me to make excuses. Not only do you need to have a church family, but they need you! No matter how little you feel you have to offer.

Thanks for reading, my lovelies! Don't forget to comment, and please share!

 

 

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Two Super Simple Recipes

Wow, this week has seemed to fly by! I have been so busy, I feel like I haven't had time to think. Busy for me probably isn't busy for other people, but I'm already wiped.

I have been attending my church for only about 8 months. I plan to talk more about church, hopefully in my next post. Anyway, my church organizes meal delivery for people who have surgery or babies or whatever. There have been several babies born in the last few months, and several more expected in the next few months. So many babies! So many meals! I try to sign up to take a meal when I can. I feel like there are so many things I'm not able to do, that I want to do what little I can. That's a future post too!

This week, I got to take dinner to a family who just had their 4th baby boy! I got to take a peek at him, and let me tell you, he is a little cutie.

The meal I decided to make was loaded baked potatoes with a yummy slaw. I never remember to pay attention to what the slaw is called, but you buy it at Costco, and it has kale, Brussels sprouts, chicory, probably some cabbage...anyway, it's really good. It comes with pepitas and dried cranberries in it - yum! It also comes with a poppy seed dressing - not yum. Not that I don't like poppy seed dressing, but it has soybean oil in it. Now, as I have said, this is not a health blog, but I believe soybean oil should be avoided like the plague. Not only is soy bad for the hormones, but those vegetable types of oils are extremely high in polyunsaturated fatty acids, which are very inflammatory - not good for anyone, and especially not good when you are sick. I also happen to be allergic to eggs, which are in the dressing of course. So, I always toss that packet and whip up my own. This dressing I make is ridiculously simple and delicious. It would work in any kind of creamy salad, like a coleslaw.

Recipes are difficult for me, because I cook intuitively, so I have to think really hard about measurements. I'll give approximate measurements here, but everything should be to taste. If you are not an intuitive cook, I believe it's a skill everyone can develop. Give it a taste, and change it up however you want!

Simple Creamy Slaw Dressing

1 cup sour cream (I prefer Daisy, because it is delicious, and only has one ingredient - woohoo!)

2 tsp or so Dijon or spicy brown mustard

2 tsp or so red wine vinegar

1 - 2 tsp honey (I've used sugar too, and it tastes fine, just not quite as good)

Large pinch of salt (No table salt, please - I love the taste of Real Salt, or you can use fine sea salt)

Mix it up, taste it, adjust accordingly. Sometimes, I add poppy seeds if I have them, and I love coarse ground black pepper as well.

I hope you will give this a try! It takes less than 5 minutes to make, and is so much tastier and better for you than any store bought dressing! I'm a big fan of simple ingredients.

Speaking of simple, I also took some honey butter roasted peaches for dessert. Easy peasy lemon squeezy summer dessert.

Honey Butter Roasted Peaches

6 peaches, cut in half, and pitted

Butter

Honey

Smear a little butter in the bottom of a baking dish. Place the peach halves inside, cut side up. Place a pat of butter on each one, then drizzle with honey. Bake at 400 degrees for 20 - 30 minutes. Easy right? They would also be delicious with raspberries, though I would think you'd want to only add the raspberries for the last 15 minutes of baking. You could also sprinkle them with cinnamon, or use a vanilla infused honey. I might have to buy some more peaches.

PS - sorry I didn't think to take a picture of the peaches. You can leave a comment anyway.

 

 

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Let's Talk About Acceptance

Typically, I will ramble on about what is foremost in my mind. Lately, it is acceptance. Of myself, and my illness.
In my last post, Longer Intro (don't be jealous of my catchy titles), I shared a little of my story. It was ridiculously hard for me to do, because even after all this time, I have a hard time accepting my situation. I am constantly coming up with new schemes that will make me all better. All. The. Time.
Something happened last week that caused me to have somewhat of a revelation. I know that my obsessive thinking and scheming is not healthy. And there was a time when I was in a much worse place than I am now. The scheming didn't just take up a large chunk of my time. It consumed my life - to the point that my already seriously compromised health was even worse, to the point that I was becoming judgmental about the people around me because they were not health conscious as I was. To the point that I didn't read my Bible - there's no time for that when you are pouring over books and blogs. To the point that I couldn't pray, because I knew I was in sin and I was wrong. I was a wreck. You wouldn't know it by looking at me, but I am way less of a wreck now. But for whatever reason, I have trouble accepting that I'm sick.

So, back to my revelation. I feel like I have been waiting for my life to begin, ever since I got sick. On a side note, every time I think about it, that song from Tangled DOES play in my head. Ahem. I usually tell myself that I obsess and scheme because I want to be healthier, so I can be a better servant. Those are admirable and somewhat true, but the biggest reason, is of course not a good reason, and it is pride. Again. Always. Dear reader, if you (and I) stick with this blog, you will learn what a hideous person I really am. After all these years, I still envision the future me as being a perfectly healthy, strong, independent woman. That is so not likely to happen. Our culture tells us that's bad, but really it's not. I may spend the rest of my life depending on my family - not only financially - and it is okay. They depend on me for things, too. I just need to get that through to myself. I am not a lesser person because of my illness. I pray for God's will in my life. And somehow, I doubt that it is going to cater to my sin of pride.
I still haven't gotten to the revelation. Lately, I have been struggling more than usual. I experience pain that is so terrible, I can't stand up straight. Sometimes when I move, I gasp involuntarily. Sometimes, the best I can do, is make it from my bed to the living room. I have been having balance issues. This past week, I grabbed the cane out of my closet. I used it after I had surgery to help me stand up. I have used it a little bit around the house this week - mostly to help when I stand up, so I don't experience as much searing pain, and a little bit to walk up and down stairs.
I hate that cane. I hate everything it represents, and I hate using it. I like that it helps me, and yet, I hate it more than I can say.
Okay, revelation. Are my scheming and pride holding me back? Instead of waiting for that future me to emerge, should I be accepting my life, as is, right now? If I let go of my pride, and use a cane when I need to, or sit down when I need to when everyone else is standing, or if I begin to be open and honest about my struggles, what might change? (I fool myself a lot here, because I am pretty open with people about the fact that I have health issues. However, I usually don't talk about exactly what they are, or how severe they are.) Here and now, instead of some future time, could I be living more life?
That was the revelation, in case you missed it.

In my mind, ONLY for me, if I use "living aids" as they are sometimes called, to get me through, I am weak. I am embarrassed, because I do not have a visible illness. People will think I'm lazy and faking it. Guess what? People will probably think that. And guess what? It doesn't matter. As a child of the most high God, my job is to glorify Him, and enjoy Him forever. That's the best job description I've ever heard, by the way.

Could I do a better job of taking care of myself? Absolutely. But the reality is that even if I took perfect care of my body, it is still going to be damaged. That is my life. It does not give me an excuse to not try to take care of myself. But if I spent less time hiding the facts about my life and illness, would I be able to do a better job of what God is asking me to do? I want to live my life. I think it is going to mean letting go of my stinky rotten pride. Using help when I need it. How much more will I be able to live, when I stop trying to be too strong? I don't know about you, but I wear myself out all the time. I push and push myself until I crash, and then I'm even more tired and exhausted than usual. And then I miss out. I'm tired of missing out.
Even if you do not struggle with illness, I think we might all have some rotten pride build up we can get rid of, by the grace of God. And probably some things to accept. And if you are reading this and are not experiencing illness, I hope it serves as a reminder to have some grace. You might not know what a person is really going through.
Now I'm going to go brush and brush and brush and brush my hair. Not really. But did you catch that?
Please share and help me gain some readers!

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An Afternoon of Purses and Spoons...

Good afternoon, dear readers, and welcome to today's edition of What's in My Purse? I know, I know, who cares what's in my purse? You do. Just kidding. You probably don't. But here we go anyway.

Actually, I was fighting through the mess of receipts and whatnot in my purse, thinking, I gotta do something about this. Because I use very poor grammar when speaking to myself. I try to keep a fairly organized purse, but it still somehow seems to get out of hand. So, today, I gathered some supplies, and organized as much as I could!

What a boring post. Yes, I agree with you. However, I did think maybe my tips will be useful to someone. You know that whole analogy about spoons and chronic illness? It's called the Spoon Theory written by a lady who has lupus, and I found the story/explanation of it at butyoudontlooksick.com. So, basically everything you do costs a spoon, and you have an unlimited number of spoons, unless you have an illness, in which case you only have a certain number of spoons to get you through a day. If you read the story on the website, it makes more sense than I do. The point is, I feel like there are times when I spend too many spoons on fighting with my purse!

First of all, look at this adorable handbag! It was given to me by a sweet friend from church. I'm in love. If you look to the left there, you can see how the shiny reflects off of the wall. Loooove. And yes, it is huge.

So, I went through my junk and picked out these cosmetic bags that I have, plus I've used a couple of wallets. I have a very eclectic style, and I never worry about whether or not things "go together". If I like it, I'll use it.
I put all of my lip glosses, and my lovely little compact mirror in this little pouch. I feel like when I need to use them, I don't want to have to dig through a bunch of other junk to find the color I want. That little pouch is inside a little pocket in the handbag - it wouldn't make much sense to separate them out and then lose the little pouch.

Isn't this cute? I've had it for years. In fact, I used to use it when I was a teenager for holding those tickets you win at the arcade. Now, it holds all of those annoying savings cards from various stores. I keep the ones I use often in my wallet. It also holds business cards. This is all the way at the bottom of the purse, since I rarely have use for it, but I'm always kicking myself when I visit some obscure store but can't get a discount because I left the card at home!

This is sort of the pharmacy compartment of my bag. I love the see through pouch. This of course contains my essential oils which I use frequently, nail clippers, floss, hand sanitizer (as natural as possible, please), etc. Everything is handy and easy to get to.

Now this little cutie was also given to me by the same sweet friend at church! How fun. As you can see, it holds my gospel tracts. These should also be handy. They used to live at the very bottom of my purse, because they don't get bent and wrinkled down there, but it was hard to get one out quickly. Now they are easily accessible whenever I need them.

See my dog in the background? What a goof. This is my most used little bag, hence the leopard print with pink lining. An important bag ought to be as cute as possible. This contains things like hand lotion, lip balm, and my little pill box - things that are used on a fairly regular basis. That little faux croc pill box has a mirror inside. I became a slightly happier woman the day I bought that - I really love cute things.

Look at this! It's a Spanish style hand fan. You don't even know the times this thing has saved me. I keep it in my purse especially for church. For those with mild heat sensitivity (me), it is wonderful.

This is just a sandwich baggy until I come up with something better. I love ginger Altoids. I deal with chronic nausea and vertigo, so I eat these things alllll the time. And the containers are so fun. Until they get bounced around in your purse and the Altoids turn into powder, then your purse has a dusting of sticky powder on the inside. Not cool. Potentially messy things live in this bag.

This is the last picture. This is my biggest problem. I bought this wallet because it was on clearance, and because I love it. The problem is how little room it has. I took the picture at this weird angle so you can see how thin it is. It holds my important cards, cash, and receipts, although it holds very little. It is also a slippery little booger, and I drop it frequently. And it explodes. I need a new wallet.

I ran out of little pouches, but in was thinking that I should put an empty one in there for things like receipts, hair accessories, little bits of trash, etc. It would be so easy to just clean one little bag out, instead of a whole entire purse. Because I only have so many spoons, don'tcha know.

Do you have any fabulous purse organizing ideas? Let me know!

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Delicious Summer Beverage Recipe

Happy Saturday, my friends! Today, I want to share a recipe I just concocted. It is delicious, if I do say so myself.

I have Celiac disease, and some of us poor slobs who are afflicted by it are unfortunately unable to drink coffee. Apparently, there is a protein in coffee that is similar in structure to the gluten protein. I happen to be one of those poor slobs.

Side note: you know those blogs where the blogger chooses a topic, then does all kinds of research, then writes a very informative post on said topic? I love them. I really do. I learn all kinds of wonderful things. This is not one of those blogs. Whenever I mention something - like the Celiacs and coffee thing - you'll have to find another source for the science of it. I just want to be a source of encouragement.

Another side note: This is not a health blog. I may, occasionally, explore some ideas that may be helpful for chronic disease or general health, but as I told you before, I have a tendency to become obsessed with that stuff. And I have done things in the past that have done more damage to my overall health than good. Again, I want to encourage people. If I write about something that you believe is unhealthy, please adjust accordingly for yourself. Now, onward!

Even back when I could drink coffee, I didn't like that popular place that starts with an "S" and ends in "bucks". I rarely go there. I did end up there a couple of weeks ago, and had a delicious drink, though I can't remember exactly what it was called. Something about a blackberry mojito lemonade thing. Well, this very day, I made a sort of copycat of said drink, and it is more delicious, and cheaper. Win win!

Yet another side note: I have a beautiful camera, but I chose not to use it for this post. I feel I am not nearly as talented as some people I know when it comes to photography, but aside from that, I don't want perfect photos for things like this. More often than not, people with illness don't have time for perfection, and I want my photos to reflect that! So, please forgive my less than ideal photos, as well as my messy kitchen, now and in the future!

Oh, last - maybe last - this is obviously more labor intensive than buying a drink. So, I will tell you, I made the mint syrup yesterday, and my wonderful mother made the tea. Do it in steps - it's okay!

Mintberry Lemonade Green Tea
(Is mintberry a thing? I don't know, but it looks cute to me)
Make the mint simple syrup:
Combine 1 cup water and 1 cup sugar in a saucepan. Add 6 mint tea bags (any kind of mint - I love Bigelow Mint Medley).

Simmer until sugar is completely dissolved. Turn off heat, and allow to steep for at least 20 minutes. You want it super minty.
Here's how we make the tea:
Simmer 3 jasmine green tea and 2 mint tea bags in about 2 cups of water. You can make this as weak or as strong as you like. I like my tea very strong, so I like it a good dark color. Once it is finished, add enough water to make 4 cups of tea total.
Chill the syrup and tea in the fridge. Overnight is best, of course.

Place a few ice cubes in a glass or cup or other such vessel then add:
1/2 oz mint simple syrup
1/2 oz of any flavor berry syrup (the kind they have at those coffee places. Don't use that disgusting stuff you put in milk. Seriously.) I used strawberry, because it's what I have.
2 oz lemonade
4 - 5 oz jasmine mint green tea

Then stir, stir, stir to get it nice and cold!

I don't often like sweet beverages, but this one is so refreshing! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

What do you like to drink in the hot weather? Share in the comments below! And speaking of sharing...don't forget to share my blog!

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Just a Happy Post

I want to be mindful of not being a whiner. Sometimes I feel like when I share my struggles, it seems as though I am complaining. I will apologize in advance, because I'm sure there will be some times when it appears that way.

I don't mean to complain, ever, but I do tend toward being somewhat of an Eeyore, or rather, a Puddleglum. He is my favorite character in the Narnia series. I have read those books many times in my life, but it was just a few years ago that I had the realization...that I am....Puddleglum. His pessimistic, glass half full personality is so much like me, it ends up being a little amusing.

Anyway, the point is, I don't want to be a whiner. I am thankful for every circumstance, every trial, every ache and pain that God sovereignly chooses to place in my life. I used to have a very hard time understanding why I was supposed to be thankful. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to give thanks in everything. The way it was always explained to me is that I should be thankful in spite of my circumstances. Fine. But why does it say "in everything" instead of "in spite of"? It was a conundrum for me. However, I have finally come to understand that God is using every difficult thing in my life to sanctify me. To make me more like Him. What a wonderful peace that gives me, knowing that everything in my life has such a purpose.

Well, this post hasn't really gone where I intended it to! You will get used to that. Sometimes I feel like I have a pinball in my brain. I'll try to get to the point.

This is a post for dog lovers. Or animal lovers in general, I guess. I kind of feel like no matter what your circumstances are, life is hard for everyone, in its own ways. Everybody has things they struggle with, whether they are sick or not. We rely on our gracious God to get us through. The fact that we have His word and the amazing gift of being able to speak with Him any time, any where is pretty incredible, but beyond that He gives us so many blessings. For me, one of the greatest blessings in my life is my little fur babies. I am thankful for them every single day! I love their goofy little personalities, the way they are so playful, and their unconditional love. They bring me so much joy, I truly feel blessed beyond words.

I bet you're picturing some pretty amazing dogs (and a cat). Well, they are. They are also loud and obnoxious, stinky, and rude. They leave hair everywhere and barf on a consistent basis. The other morning, I was happily sleeping away, when suddenly, dogs. Stomping all over my pathetically sore body, licking me all over my face. They are disgustingly happy in the morning. And yet, I am so grateful for those little monsters. There are a lot worse ways to be woken up than by 2 exuberant dogs. Maybe less painful, but certainly less joyful. They might smell like they just crawled out of the dumpster behind a Chinese restaurant, but to me, they are gifts.

Do you have any special pets in your life? Or has God blessed you in another way? Often times what seem like the little things are the big things to people struggling with illness. I love it when I am sick that my sweet dogs are always eager to cuddle with me.

Please remember to share this with friends, and if you have some special little loves in your life, tell me about them in the comments!

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Longer Intro

As I said in my intro, I am in my 30's. I suddenly became very sick at age 23, to the point that I could have died. Without medical intervention, I would have. I was a totally normal, active young woman. I worked full time as a preschool teacher, volunteered extensively at church, had plenty of energy for having fun with friends. This all changed, literally overnight. Actually, I had had a few little hiccups with my health as a teenager, but I & my parents had been assured by several doctors that they were perfectly normal things.

Life as I knew it came crashing down, and it has never been the same since. I spent months being tested for every disease my doctor could think of. I had to quit my job. I hadn't had health insurance even when I was working, so I had to sell my car to help pay my bills. God has given me with a wonderful, supportive family, and they were such a blessing through that dark time. My younger brother helped take care of me, financially, and otherwise.

Finally, after 5 months of terror - I was so young and had no clue what was going on - my doctor put me on a medication that helped mask my symptoms, which was fine with me. I was so sick I didn't care that it didn't address the real problem - I just wanted my life back. My closest friends had abandoned me because they "didn't know how to be around me anymore". Most of all though, I am a prideful sinner. Soooo prideful. I hated depending on others. I want to take care of myself. I couldn't have known that the medication that helped me would cause even more irreparable damage to my health.

Finally, a year and a half after being forced to quit my job, my illness was under control enough for me to go back to work. I continued to work as hard as I could but found it to be more difficult than before as I had lost all of my energy, and I was now in constant, debilitating pain. My life became about going to work, and little else. I had no room emotionally, or physically, for anything else.


Aside from how hard it was, I loved my job. I continued to work for another 5 years, struggling hugely with my health, until it got to a point I couldn't do it any longer. My mom convinced me that she and my dad could help me out for a while until I could get some rest and medical care and get better. I was in need of surgery, and my 4 to 5 doctor appointments per week, plus my full time job, were a burden I could no longer bear. I hated the idea, but I didn't see any other options. Once again, I quit my job, and sold my car to pay my bills.

After nearly 8 months, I was able to have surgery. My naturopath was against it, but I was desperate, and hopeful that it would help. (There is a lot to say about that whole mess, but it will have to be a story for another time!) It did help. But it was not the miracle cure I had hoped for. I had actually been working very part time, and had planned on returning full time after I had recovered from surgery. No such luck. I was so so sick. God's sovereign timing was perfect though. It turned out
being better for my whole family that I did not return to work.

A year later, another crisis in my life led me back to work, yet again. It was the same workplace, but a different position. It was so hard on my body, I cried every single night when I got home. I felt totally broken. At this point, I will just stop and say that I have been a Christian since childhood. I love The Lord - however, I grew up with a lot of poor theology and teaching, and I have often struggled with relying on Him as I should.

I scrounged up the money to go to a new doctor, and to my relief, she confirmed my suspicions, and diagnosed me with 2 different chronic illnesses. I remember crying all the way home because I have spent practically my whole adult life being told that if I would just eat right and exercise and drink water and take vitamins I would feel better. Also another post for another time. Anyway, I did all those things, and I didn't feel better. This doctor explained to me that the illness I developed when I was 23 was much the same as when a person is in a severe car accident, and they never fully heal.
Becoming so sick, so quickly, was a major trauma to my body. Besides that, I was still taking that awful medication. It was still only masking my symptoms, and causing other things to become much worse. She told me to get off of it NOW. In order to do that, I would have to have major surgery. Again, God was at work, and in His perfect timing, I was able to have the surgery 6 months later. I had quit my job again by then - you would think they would be sick of me there, but amazingly, they're not! - God had given my family everything we needed.

That surgery took a lot from me - but The Lord has given me much grace and I have endured it well, only because of Him. Again, it helped me in many ways, but again, just as a victim of severe trauma, I will never be the same.

All that long story (which of course isn't even a quarter of it) was to say that I often feel like I have lost the last 10+ years of my life. I feel like I still ought to be around 25. I believe with everything in me that God's plan is perfect, but I haven't always believed it. It's taken me a long time to get here. He has blessed me more than I could ever say, in spite of my illness, but I can also say, because of my
illness. I can't know why I have suffered as I have, although I have a few ideas about SOME of it, but I do know that He is using it to sanctify me. Praise The Lord for His sovereign care!


More to come, another time! If you have a friend struggling with illness, please share my blog with them!

Intro Post

Hello, & welcome to my blog! My name is Robyn, & I am a 30-something Christian woman suffering from chronic illness.

I struggled with whether or not to reveal what my chronic illnesses are, but I don't want this blog to only cater to a select group. There are many different types of chronic illness - I bet I haven't even heard of a bunch of them - but many of the struggles are similar. My hope is that I can speak to a wide audience.

I am not a writer, I just have a lot to say. My blog posts may cover topics such as chronic illness, Christianity & faith, maybe a little reformed theology, recipes, crafts, fashion....etc etc etc! Pretty much anything & everything that is ever on my mind!

I have spent a lot of years not being honest with myself, and only partially honest with others. I want this blog to be about honesty.

Please always feel free to comment. But please always be kind. Chronically ill people can be broken people. Let's make it a practice to always have something nice to say.